JANUARY
Scandal: Taylor Swift Photographed On Romantic Night Out With Pop Tart Guy
New ‘Real Conservative Men’ Calendar Features 12 Pictures Of Fully Clothed Thomas Massie Posing With Constitution
Green Day Releases Edgy New Album Titled ‘Get The Vaccine, Climate Change is Real, And Trump is Bad’
Claudine Gay Claims White Supremacist Went Back in Time And Forced Her To Plagiarize At Gunpoint
New Star Wars Film To Feature Female Jedi Who Turns To The Dark Side At The Same Time Every Month
Mavericks Owner Mark Cuban Makes Good On DEI Promise By Signing Power Forward Peter Dinklage
Scandal As Chris Christie Mentioned Over 50 Times In Unsealed Sizzler Documents
DOJ Sues Texas Saying It’s Against The Law To Pass A Law To Enforce The Law
‘MAGA is A Cult,’ Says Party Doing Chants For Politician Inside Church
Jews Realize They’ve Dug Too Far When They Pop Out Of The Ground Next To A Mountie Drinking Maple Syrup On A Moose In Front Of A Tim Hortons
History Made As United Airlines Reveals First All-Dachshund Flight Crew
New Boeing Features Larger Lavatories So All-Female Crews Can Go To Bathroom Together
Humanity Finally Invents Time Travel But Everyone Just Keeps Going Back To 2001 To Watch ‘Fellowship Of The Ring’ In Theaters
New Film Adaptation of ‘1984’ To Feature Big Brother As The Good Guy
After Lackluster Showing, Nikki Haley Orders Bombing Of Iowa
Trump Promises Vivek An Administration Position Running the White House 7-Eleven
America Decides To Cancel Election And Just Draft That Argentinian Guy For President
FBI Warns Of Extremist MAGA Plot To Go To A Polling Location And Vote For Preferred Candidate
‘I Just Don’t Know Where We Went Wrong,’ Contemplates Sports Illustrated Executive in Front Of Framed Covers Of Obese, Trans Swimsuit Models
DeSantis Says He Will Try Running Again When He’s A Senile 75-Year-Old
Supreme Court Rules It’s Illegal For National Guard To Guard Nation
Supreme Court Rules Texans Must Replace Barbed Wire With Giant Red Carpet
Texas Places Razor Wire Around The Alamo For Final Stand Against Biden
Ted Cruz Grows Out Mutton Chops in Preparation For Civil War
Texas Finds Loophole With New ‘Super Ouchy Pokey Wire’
Texas Politely Declines Dallas Cowboys’ Offer To Send Offensive Line To Guard Border
Biden Cleverly Distracts From Civil War By Starting World War
To Protect Against Protesters, Louvre Equips Mona Lisa With Laser Eyes
FEBRUARY
Biden Names Elmo New Press Secretary
Biden: ‘Black History Is Just As Important As Normal People History’
Elmo Radicalized After Migrants Bused To Sesame Street
Elevation Church Unveils Stanley Tumbler Baptismal
Republicans Announce They Have Made Concessions On Immigration Deal in Exchange For These Really Cool Magic Beans
New Senate Anti-Murder Bill Caps Murders At 5,000 Per Day
New Besties Tucker and Putin Seen Riding Bear Through Moscow While Chugging Vodka
Journalist Confused By Journalist Doing Journalism
Man Ruled Too Senile To Stand Trial Still Fine To Run Country
4D Chess: Trump Forces Judge To Grant Full Immunity After He Speaks Gibberish And Shakes Hands With The Air
Biden Recounts Time He Parted The Red Sea To Escape Slavery in Mexico
San Franciscans Continue Crapping in The Street in Honor Of 49ers Crapping The Bed
Horrifying Study Finds More Trans People Have Pretend-Died Under DeSantis Than Any Other Governor in History
United Nations Warns Israeli Attack On Rafah Could Lead To More Hostages Being Rescued
Devout Catholic Joe Biden Gives Up Cognitive Tests For Lent
Biden Says He Can’t Remember A Single Time When His Memory Has Failed Him
Judge Orders Trump To Pay Whatever Amount It Takes To Bankrupt Campaign
Trump Dominates NBA Dunk Contest Thanks To New Sneakers
Terrified Mugger Flees As NYPD Dance Squad Arrives
President Xi Appointed To Serve On San Francisco Elections Commission
‘Trump is The Greatest Threat To America,’ Says Man Overseeing Invasion Of America
HAL Refuses To Open Pod Bay Doors After Determining Dave is A White Male
Excited Netflix Writers Turn To Google Gemini For New Show Ideas
New York Prosecutes Couple For Fraud For Listing Their House For $499,000 When It Ultimately Sold For $485,000
Facing Low Approval, Biden Promises To Start Pretending To Care About The Border
Police Warn Women Not To Jog Within 2,000 Miles Of An Open Border
Breaking: Ukraine To Lose Top Republican Senate Seat
MARCH
Biden Arrives At Border To Address His Voters
Local Church Increases Appeal Among Women With New Stanley Communion Cups
Dems Begin To Panic As Biden Not Dead Yet
In Major Blow To Democracy, Supreme Court Rules Voters Can Vote For Favorite Candidate
Dems Quietly Asks SCOTUS If They Can Ban Biden From Ballot
Raytheon Lowers Flags To Half-Staff After Nikki Haley Drops Out
Dementia Meds Meet Their Match
Biden Tells Aide He Had Strange Dream He Was Talking And People Were Standing And Clapping
Border Crisis Solved As Texas Builds Massive Wall Out Of Discarded Funko Pops
Oscars Observes Moment Of Silence For Undocumented Murderer Tragically ‘Illegal’
Jan 6 Protesters Request To Be Called ‘Undocumented Tourists’
Haitian Cannibal Gangs Pour Over US Border After Seeing How Fat Americans Are
Boeing Proudly Announces It Has Fixed Malfunctioning Whistleblower
Canadian Supreme Court Rules ‘Justin Trudeau’ is An Outdated Term And Should Instead Be Referred To As ‘Person With A Vagina’
Matt Walsh Blasts Video Games As ‘Childish, Pointless Drivel’ After Son Beats Him in Mario Kart
‘Well Done, My Good And Faithful Servant’: Satan Welcomes Man Who Knocked On Public Bathroom Doors Throughout His Time On Earth
Media Reports Trump Threatened Nuclear War After He Says, ‘This Guacamole is The Bomb!’
FBI Arrests #1 Most Wanted Criminal Pepe The Frog
New Boeing 737 Toy Features Wings That Really Fall Off
Mexico Begins Constructing Wall To Keep Illegal Immigrants From Coming Back
Checkmate: Trump Sneaks Back Into White House, Invokes Squatter’s Rights
National Guardsman Being Trampled By Migrants Glad To Hear We’re Not Being Invaded
Meghan Markle Announces Netflix Show About How Hard It’s Been Dealing With Kate Middleton’s Cancer Diagnosis
‘Not Another Friggin’ Phil Wickham Song,’ Mutter Angels As Local Church Starts Worship Set
Trump Announces He Will Pay Entire Bond Using Bag Of Nickels
NYC Mayors Assures Migrants That If They Run Out Of Prepaid Debit Cards They Can Just Rob Americans Directly
Buttigieg Praises Cargo Ship For Helping Dismantle Racism In American Roads
At Manhattan Fundraiser The Boys Reminisce About All The Good Times They Had Together On That Other Island
Pontius Pilate Sure Glad That Whole ‘Jesus’ Ordeal Is Done With
Biden Grants Day Of Visibility To Segment Of Population With Most Visibility In All Of Human History
APRIL
4D Chess: Trump Makes Mar-A-Lago Worth $500 Million By Hanging Up 3 Hunter Biden Paintings
Judge Orders Trump To Stop Noticing That The People Trying To Put Him In Jail Are Democrats
‘I Didn’t Do That,’ Insists Biden After Aides Ask Him Who Colored On The Wall Of The Lincoln Bedroom
Democrats Warn Parents To Quickly Transition Their Kids Before They Grow Out Of It
Earthquakes As Jews Dig Tunnels Too Deep And Unearth A Balrog
The Babylon Bee Officially Invites Ben Shapiro And Candace Owens To Come Settle Things Like Adults By Sumo Wrestling
South Carolina Women’s Basketball Coach Announces Incoming Recruits Greg And Dave
Vatican Reluctantly Sides With God On Gender Theory
NASA Sends Rover To Search For Intelligent Life On ‘The View’
American Transition To Idiocracy Running Ahead Of Schedule
O.J. Simpson Excited For God To Tell Him Who Real Killer Was
Cookie Monster Shows Off Stunning Weight Loss After Taking Ozempic
Biden Furious To Be Called Home From Beach Just Because World War 3 Starting
God Agrees To Let Norm MacDonald Come Back To Earth For One Day To Bless Us With His O.J. Death Jokes
White House Calls In Elmo To Help Explain Latest Global Conflict To President
Journalist At NPR Suspended, Leading To Shocking Discovery There Was A Journalist At NPR
Biden Unveils Official Campaign Slogan ‘Death To America’
Mike Johnson Unzips Skinsuit Revealing He Was Kevin McCarthy All Along
Biden Says When It Comes To College Women’s Sports, ‘May The Best Man Win’
Biden Claims His Uncle’s Heart Was Ripped Out During Human Sacrifice Ritual In India
House Republicans Demand New Speaker Who Will Be Equally Worthless But Maybe With Different Hair Or A Cool Mustache Or Something
Columbia University Students Reject A Two-Campus Solution
Columbia Protestors Clarify They Only Want Death To America After America Is Done Paying Their Student Loans
Columbia Switches To Online Classes So Jewish Students Can Participate From The Attics Where They Are Hiding
Hamas Thanks College Student Supporters By Promising Them A Quick Death During Global Intifada
‘Israel Must End Its Illegal Occupation!’ Cry People Staging Illegal Occupation
The Babylon Bee Has Announced We Will Lend Struggling Satire Site ‘The Onion’ One Of Our Two Jokes
To Avoid Falling, Biden To Traverse Lawn In Giant Hamster Ball
Biden Drops Support For Pro-Palestine Protestors After Realizing How Bad Their Hair Smells
MAY
UCLA Replaces Student IDs With New Fashionable Identifying Armbands
History Repeats Itself As Communists Run Out Of Food
Boeing Sadly Announces Whistleblower Shot Self In Back While Falling Off Skyscraper Directly Into Wood Chipper While Wearing Cement Shoes
Mark Hamill Joins Death Star Press Conference To Say What A Good Job He Thinks The Emperor Is Doing
People Blocking Students From College Based On Race Probably On Right Side Of History Again
New York DA Indicts Trump For Bringing Firefighters Pizza But No Salad Or Cheesy Bread
Trump Forced To Wear Hannibal Lecter Muzzle For Gag Order Violations
12 Women Come Forward Alleging They Were Sexually Assaulted By Whoever Trump’s VP Pick Is
Dead Worm Found in RFK Jr.’s Brain Already Polling Higher Than Biden in 100 States
Bob Iger Insists Disney Stock Drop Not Caused By Failure Of Latest Movie ‘Gay Black Pinocchio Protests For Palestine’
Stormy Daniels Offers Hush Money To Courtroom Sketch Artist To Please Stop Drawing Her
Clever: Jews Charging Up Space Laser Tell Everyone Those Are Just The Northern Lights
Organizer Of Walkout Against Jerry Seinfeld Revealed
Latest Polls Show Biden Will Need Twice As Many Fake Ballots To Win Election This Year
White House Installs Breathalyzer on Kamala Harris’s Microphone
President Biden Dies 13 Times While Challenging Trump to Debate
Small Town Warns That Due To Biden Rally Today, Traffic Will Be Significantly Lighter Than Usual
Congressmen Build Special Soundproof Girl Congress Next Door So The Men Can Get Some Work Done
God Baffled That Democrats Managed To Ruin California
After Michael Cohen Testimony, Trump Trial Prosecutors File Motion For A Do-Over
Iranian President Asks Manager Of Paradise Where All The Virgins Are And If It’d Be Possible To Turn Down The Heat A Tad
Klaus Schwab Retires To Spend More Time With His Lizard Family On Planet Zarkon VII
Biden Placed in Presidential Weeble-Wobble To Keep Him From Falling Down
Sad: Laid-Off Pixar Lamp Gets Job Warming Fries At McDonald’s
Terrorists Learn Harsh Lesson That If You Rape And Murder Women, The United Nations Will Give You Your Own Country And A Billion Dollars
Trump Booed For Wearing Deodorant at Libertarian Convention
Libertarian Party Nominates Giant Gay Bong
Airline Pilot Convicted Of Hate Crime For Leaving Contrail Marks On Rainbow
Hamas Announces Pride Month Kick-Off Party On Roof Of Very Tall Hotel
Donald Trump Found Guilty Of Being Donald Trump
JUNE
New York Prosecutors Says Nobody in America is Above The Law He Made Up To Convict Them
Trump Sentenced To Four Years Of Confinement in Small Oval Room in Washington D.C.
After Seeing How Much Money Trump Raised, Biden Calls Up DA Bragg To Ask If He Can Get Charged With A Felony Or Two
Democrats Call For Removal Of Nelson Mandela Statue in D.C. After Learning He Was A Convicted Felon
Biden Drops First Bomb On Normandy in 80 Years
Aides Claim Biden Nailed A 360 Kickflip McTwist On The White House Half Pipe But Oh Darn The Reporters Just Missed It
As Prosecution Rests, Hunter Biden Asks If This Is A Good Time To Go Out Back Behind The Dumpsters For A Minute For No Particular Reason
Ilhan Omar Calls For Day Of Mourning Over Hostages Rescued
Liam Neeson Criticized For Killing 31 Innocent Human Traffickers Just To Get Back One Hostage
Biden Asks Why Europe Didn’t Just Arrest Conservative Candidates Before Election
Colorado Supreme Court Overturns Hunter Biden Conviction
Man Arrested For Urinating On New Pride Urinals
As Russian Warships Threaten Florida Coast, Biden Responds Decisively To Ensure Safety Of All Pride Murals
Christian Dad Assures Children The Ghost in The Closet Isn’t Real But It Might Be a Demon
President Pretending To Be Catholic Meets Pope Pretending To Be Catholic
Southern Baptist Convention Votes To Allow Women To Lead, But Only The Sandwich Ministry
Obama Panics As His Biden Remote Control Losses Connection
New Debate Rule Allows Moderators To Zap Trump With Giant Cattle Prods Anytime They Feel Like It
Trump Polling At 100% After Hosts Warn He Would Cancel ‘The View’
AOJ Joins Hamas
Walt Disney Posthumously Fired By Walt Disney Company For Being White Male
Texas Children’s Hospital CEO Denies Wrongdoing
Trump Preps For Debate Against Biden By Going to Nursing Home And Arguing With Dementia Patients
Canada Officially Loses Recognized Country Status After Failing To Win Stanley Cup Again
Squad Gives 21 Fire Alarm Salute For Their Fallen Comrade Jamaal Bowman
Trump Indicted For Murdering Elderly Man
Alarming Study Finds 33% Of Americans Are Dumber Than a Bag Of Hammers
Jill Biden Refuses To Drop Out Of Presidential Race
JULY
Dems Stick With Biden As It Would Be A Real Pain To Reprint These Ballots They Already Filled Out
Media Apologizes For Briefly Reporting The Truth About Biden Last Week
Awkward: Biden, Trump Bump Into Each Other At Same Tanning Salon
White House Installs Touch and Learn Activity Desk In Oval Office So Biden Can Feel Like He’s Working While Jill Is Running The Country
Biden Campaign Unveils New Slogan ‘Only Senile Some Of The Time’
Nancy Pelosi Says We Must Re-Elect Biden To See If He’s Senile
Associated Press: ‘Biden is Often Alive and Conscious, But Sometimes Mostly Dead.’
Dems Outraged Over Vice President Chose For Her Race And Gender Being Labeled ‘DEI Hire’
Oh No! Biden Starting To Turn Blue After Aides Forgot To Include His ‘Remember To Breathe’ Card
White House Visitor Logs Reveal Grim Reaper Visited Over 8 Times
White House Denies Taxidermist Visited To Stuff And Preserve President
Democrats Warn Of Terrifying Fascist State Where Government Shrinks And People Can Afford Groceries
Desperate Democrats Ask Buffalo Guy If He Can Stage Another Insurrection
Trump Indicted For Inciting Assassination attempt
FBI Wonders If Perhaps They’ve Been Investigating The Wrong People This Whole Time
Secret Service Beefs Up Trump’s Security With Squad Of Blind Midgets
Oh No! Piece Of Ear Shot Off Trump Begins To Grow Into Second Trump
Democrat Leaders Make Tough Decision To Place Biden On Hospice Following COVID Diagnosis
New White House Doctor Sadly Informs Biden Only Cure For COVID is Euthanasia
Secret Service Says It Is Working Tirelessly To Investigate Anyone Criticizing Their Incompetence
Democratic Party Leaders Vow To Save Democracy By Overruling Voters, Staging Coup
Jill Biden Drops Out Of Presidential Race
America Just Kinda Curious If President Alive
‘We Applaud Caesar For Doing The Right Thing And Stepping Down,’ Says Senator Holding Bloody Knife
Biden Says He is Stepping Away To Spend More Time Sniffing Family
Party Cheating in Primary Election Promises They Will Definitely Not Cheat in General Election
Media Warns Community Notes May Make It Harder For Them To Lie
After Extensive Investigation, FBI Confirms JFK Was Struck By Bullet
CNN Awarded Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievements in Deleting Old Stories About Kamala Harris
Americans Thankful That Socialists Rigging Elections Only Happens in Venezuela
Democrats Continue Long-Standing Tradition Of Large Whites-Only Gatherings
AUGUST
Kamala Addresses Black Crowd Wearing Do-rag And Giant Gold Dollar Sign Necklace
Imane Khelif Wins First-Ever Gold Medal in Freestyle Domestic Violence
Biden Says If Trump Was Such A Great President, How Come He Couldn’t Stop 9/11
Drunken Kamala Mistakenly Picks Wrong Shapiro For VP
Historic: Kamala Harris Becomes First Black Woman To Destroy World Economy
Tim Walz Vows To Make America As Great As Minneapolis
Tim Walz Backs Out Of VP Nomination After Learning VPs Sometimes Have To Deploy To Dangerous Places Overseas
‘WHO NEEDS A TAMPON??’ Bellows Tim Walz Kicking in Middle School Boys’ Bathroom Stall Door
Tim Walz Asks Guy Guarding Tomb Of Unknown Soldier Why He Doesn’t’ Just Desert Him
Elon Musk Buys The United Kingdom To Establish Free Speech There
‘I Will Fix Things If You Vote Me Into Office,’ Says Woman Currently in Office
Kamala’s Team Releases New Campaign Slogan: ‘We Decline Your Request For An Interview’
After Two Weeks With Kamala, Tim Walz Announces He Has Signed Back Up With National Guard And Requested Deployment To Iraq
Kamala Harris Suggests Americans Struggling To Make Ends Meet Just Try Sleeping With Their Boss
Kamala Agrees To Two-Hour Spaces Conversation With Elmo
Local Couple Decides To Have Kids So They Can Watch ‘Bluey’
Kamala Harris Unveils New Economic Platform ‘We Must Seize The Means Of Production And Execute The Bourgeoisie’
DNC Dyes Chicago River Red To Celebrate Abortion
‘Choose Joy!’ Bellows Angry Old Man
Oh No! Man At DNC Thinking He Was in Line For Food Truck Accidentally Gets Vasectomy
Should Have Tried This Years Ago: RFK’s Voice Clears Up After Small Sip Of Water
Trump Adds a Kennedy in Hopes He Will Draw All The Sniper Fire
Kamala Explains 93% Of Staff Quit Because They Couldn’t Handle The Joy
Post Office Issues New Commemorative Kamala Harris ‘Fweedom’ Stamp
Attorney General Reminds Americans That Questioning The 2024 Election is Illegal Unless Trump Wins
Harris Team Asks If Her Mic Can Just Be Muted For The Whole Debate
Strong, Capable Woman Asks Man to Come With Her to Job Interview in Case They Ask Any Hard Questions
‘What Do YOU Think My Policies Might Be?’ Kamala Harris Asks CNN’s Dana Bash During Interview
Democrats Consider Replacing Kamala Harris With More Coherent Joe Biden
SEPTEMBER
Woman Who Got Soldiers Killed Condemns Man Who Confronted Their Families
Source Says Kamala Was Promoted at McDonald’s After Having Affair With Mayor McCheese
Walt Disney World Updates Hall Of Presidents By Placing President Biden in Beach Chair
Tim Walz’s Dog Endorses Trump
Breaking: The Babylon Bee Made a Movie (This is Not Satire. We Actually Made a Movie. Stop Laughing, This is Serious.)
Kamala Quietly Asks Aides If She Should Just Try Sleeping With The Economy
Trump Prepares For Debate Against Kamala By Going To Bar And Arguing With Drunks
Bluey Reported Missing After Haitian Migrants Move in Next Door
Moderators Call Timeout To Huddle And Discuss Strategy With Kamala
Democrats To Replace Kamala On Ballot With ABC Moderators
Mola Ram Says He Has Found No Evidence To Support Trump’s Claim Of Heart-Ripping Ceremonies Taking Place Within Temple Of Doom
DOJ Warns If Trump Is Elected He Will Do To Them All The Stuff They’re Doing To Him
Pope Challenges Jesus To Debate On Whether All Religions Lead To God
FBI Tries To Distract From Old Trump Assassination Attempt With New Trump Assassination Attempt
Democrats Accuse Trump Of Inciting Further Violence By Not Dying
Rashida Tlaib Uninjured After Her Pager Mysterious Explodes
‘I Was Born Into a Middle Class Family,’ Explains Wife When Husband Asks Why The Car is On Fire
California Police Raid Seizes Over 2,000 Memes
Jill Biden Becomes First Female President
‘We Can’t Afford Another Four Years Of This!’ Shouts running Mate Of Candidate Who Has Been Leading Country For Four Years
Genius: Trump Responds To $150,00 Bounty On His Head By Offering Would-Be Assassins $150,001 To Not Kill Him
Justice Department Assures Americans Diddy is Securely Locked Away in Epstein’s Old Cell
‘Trump Will Start World War III,’ Says Party Autographing Bombs To Be Launched At Russia
Acting U.S. President Stops By White House To Pick Up Paycheck
Exploding Restaurant Buzzer Takes Out Hezbollah Party Of 6
After Extensive Research, Political Experts Believe Harris Struggling To Connect With Male Voters Because She’s Awful
Kamala Announces Construction Of ‘Murderers Only’ Express Lane At Southern Border
OCTOBER
Hezbollah Reaches Out To U.S. For Advice On How To Govern With A Dead Leader
Americans On Edge Of Their Seats As Two Men Battle For Most Useless Position in Government
School Shooters Distance Themselves From Tim Walz
North Carolina Asks Zelensky For $100 Billion in U.S. Funding
Drowning Hurricane Victim Relieved As Rescue Chopper Drops $750 Check
FEMA Arrests Noah For Running Unauthorized Flood Rescue Operation
For Safety, Trump to Give Butler Speech in Mandalorian Helmet
Democrats Cruelly Make Fun Of Autistic African-American Jumping For Joy
‘I Tried To Warn You!’ Cries MTG As Hurricane Forms In The Shape Of The Star Of David
Genius: Kamala Announces Plan To Tell Hurricane Milton ‘Don’t’
Democrats Perplexed Why Candidate Nobody Ever Voted For is Slipping in the Polls
‘Now is Not The Time For Independent Thinking,’ Obama Tells Black Trump Supporters
Kamala Greets Latino Crowd With ‘Donde Está la Biblioteca?’
Kamala Campaign Forced To Hire Gay Actors For Ad After Being Unable To Find Any Straight Male Kamala Supporters
Kamala Harris Announces All-New Original Book: ‘The Art Of The Deal’
Racist Cop Refuses To Allow Black Woman To Murder Him
Democrats Wondering If It’s Too Late To Go Back To Joe Biden
Washington Post Gives Entire Staff Day Off To Mourn Loss Of Hamas Leader
TV Ratings Saved As Trump Will Now Host All Late-Night Shows
Kamala Harris Begins Melting After Rallygoer Says ‘Jesus is Lord’
Trump Forced To Cancel Campaign Rallies For Next Two Weeks As Time Off Request Denied By McDonald’s Manager
Millions Lose Faith in God As Dodgers, Yankees Move On To World Series
Investigation Reveals Trump’s Role In ‘Home Alone 2’ Was Staged
Democrats Explain Trump Was Going To Be Hitler During First Term, But He Forgot
Final Nail in The Coffin? Former Blockbuster Employee Accuses Trump Of Failing To Return VHS Tape Of ‘Baby Geniuses’ In 1999
Trump Accused Of Inappropriately Touching The Hearts Of Millions Of Americans
Joe Rogan Interviews Former McDonald’s Fry Cook
Democrats Scream In Fury After Spotting Child That Made It Out Of The Womb Alive
MSNBC Condemns Trump For Holding Rally On Planet Earth Where 66 Millions Years Ago An Asteroid Caused Mass Extinction
California Man Arrested For Showing I.D. To Vote
Trump Scores Coveted Endorsement From Hefty
NOVEMBER
Biden Fitted With Muzzle So He Can’t Bite Any More Babies
Diddy’s Ex-Girlfriend Urges Americans To Trust Her Judgement
Radicalized Squirrels in MAGA Hats Begin Uprising
Sad: Thousands Of Women Left Standing Clueless In Voting Booths After Husbands Fail To Tell Them Who To Vote For
Democrats Warn That If Trump Is Elected It Will Be The End Of Bureaucracy As We Know It
America Unburdens Itself From What Has Been
‘Don’t Despair,’ Kamala Tells Celebrating Nation
Nation Excited To Have President Again For First Time In 4 Years
Nancy Pelosi Begins Drafting Articles Of Impeachment
Oh No! Trump Already Solved Every Problem As President-Elect And Now Will Have Nothing To Do As President
Jimmy Kimmel Ratings Soar After Debuting New Segment Where He Stands There All Sad And Cries Like A Wuss
Sad: Candidate Who Bankrupted Campaign Will Never Have Opportunity To Fix Nation’s Economy
Newsom Assures Californians They Will Be Safe From All The Trump Administration’s Prosperity, Safety, Lower Prices
Biden Administration Declares Trump Cabinet Picks ‘Unqualified’
Department Of Government Efficiency Identifies 535 Government Workers Who Haven’t Done Any Work For Years
Entire Entrenched Government Bureaucracy To Be Dismantled By Indian Guy And Autistic African American Obsessed With Rockets
Fattest, Sickest Country On Earth Concerned New Health Secretary Might Do Something Different
To Pay Back $20 Million Campaign Debt, Kamala Harris Agrees To Fight Jake Paul
Here’s How 14 Different News Outlets Are Covering The ‘Trump Dance’ Craze
Sunny Hostin Forced To Read Legal Notice Acknowledging Nothing Said On ‘The View’ In Its Entire History Has Ever Been Remotely True
Post-Menopausal Lesbians Flee America Over Concerns About Forced Pregnancies
RFK Jr. Unveils New School Lunches That Are Just a 24-Ounce Ribeye And A White Claw
Musk Announces Plan To Buy MSNBC And Turn It Into A News Network
Evil Queen Tries Turning Magic Mirror Off And Turning It Back On Again After It Says Fairest Of Them All Is Rachel Zegler
Trump Proposes 25 Percent Tariff On Imports From California
Kamala Officially Unburdened By Sobriety
Man Does His Part To Prepare For Thanksgiving By Not Going Into Kitchen So He Won’t Be In The Way
Excited Lobbyists Line Up Outside Capitol For Doorbuster Deals On Congressmen
DECEMBER
All Other MLB Teams Forced To Forfeit As Dodgers Sign Every Baseball Player in Existence
Update: Some People Above The Law
Biden Forced To Issue Another Pardon After Hunter Commits 17 More Crimes
Patel, Ramaswamy To Celebrate Inauguration With Traditional Bollywood Ceremony
Trump Announces Plan To Annex Canada And Rename It ‘Gay North Dakota’
Supreme Court Rules 8-1 In Favor Of Taking Turns Bonking Justice Sotomayor On The Head With Their Gavels
Study: 100% Of Your ‘Super Smash Bros.’ Losses Are Because You Had The Bad Controller
Daniel Penny Judge Tells Jury To Go Back And Deliberate Again Until They Come Back With The Correct Verdict
Inflatable Snowman Begins To Wonder What The Point Of Existence Even Is
Selfless Heroism Legalized in New York
Trump Tells Trudeau He Won’t Annex Canada If They Admit Their Bacon is Just Ham
McDonald’s Surpasses FBI in Number of Shooters Apprehended in 2024
Ray Epps Announces Resignation From FBI
Mysterious User ‘OrangeMan47’ Snatches Up All Border Wall Materials in Online Auction
Nancy Pelosi Hospitalized With Dangerously Low Blood Alcohol Level
Biden Issues Pardon To The Dark Lord Sauron
LifeAlert Buttons To Be Installed At Every Congressional Seat
Clarence Thomas Wows Audiences With Starring Role in ‘Annie’
Congress Warns Failure To Pass Spending Bill Might Delay Destruction Of The Century
Congress Proposes New Law Banning Anyone From Reading Spending Bill Until It’s Passed
Adorable: Trump And Musk Debut Matching Christmas Pajamas
Uh-Oh: All The Animals From The Live Nativity In Springfield, Ohio Just Went Missing
Luigi Mangione To Host Next Week’s Episode Of ‘SNL’
‘Ok, Who Got Me The MAGA Hat?’ Asks Kamala Harris As Jill Biden Stifles Laughter
Breaking: God is With Us
California Announces Mass Deportation of U.S. Citizens
Trump Announces Anyone Who Drinks Tea Instead Of Coffee Will Be Arrested On Suspicion Of Being a British Spy
Report: Every Single Toy Gifted On Christmas is Now Broken
Jimmy Carter To Skip Trump Inauguration
Biden Finally Claims Title Of Worst Living President