JANUARY
Pope Francis Announces Passing Of Final Catholic Pope
Teacher Frustrated As Half Her Students Detransitioned Over Christmas Break
60 Minutes Interviews Population Control Expert Thanos
Republican Approval Rating At Record High After Bringing Congress To Grinding Halt
McCarthy Warns Not Voting For Him Could Delay More Funds To Ukraine
After 15 Grueling House Speaker Votes, America’s Long National Nightmare Can Finally Begin
Nation Devastated As Congress Resumes Functioning
Biden Declares The Southern Border As Secure As America’s Elections
‘California Is The State Of Freedom,’ Says Man Who Locked Everyone In Their Homes For 2 Years
Mike Pence Repents After Eating Bag Of All-Female M&Ms Without Wife Present
DOJ Indicts Trump For Biden’s Possession Of Classified Documents
Meghan Proudly Announces That Harry Has His Own Free Will Decided To Transition Into Princess Harriet
Biden Calls For Two Weeks Of Not Cooking On Gas Stoves To Flatten The Curve
Local Man Crushing Bible-In-A-Year Plan After Switching To Jesus Storybook Bible
Biden Tries Wearing Tan Suit To Distract From Scandals
Congress Urged To Raise Theft Ceiling
Tom Brady Sure Glad He Gave Up Family For This
Al Gore Again Warns The Earth Will Not Make It Past The Year 2012
‘Greetings, Fellow Persons Of Color!’ Says Justin Trudeau Arriving In San Francisco
Gavin Newsom Caught At French Laundry Eating Eggs Cooked On Gas Stove
Yoko Ono Booked To Yodel At Next Year’s WEF Summit
Man With Taylor Swift Tickets And A Dozen Eggs Tops Forbes Wealthiest List
Unemployment Among Talking Candies Hits Record High Under Biden Administration
Pfizer Introduces New Mascot ‘Clotty’
Lucky Charms Unveils New Ukrainian Flag Marshmallow
In Hilarious Prank, God Makes 1 Out Of Every 20 Pistachios Taste Like Flaming Rotten Garbage
Ford Releases New Safety Feature Where Car Shuts Off If A Woman Gets In Driver’s Seat
New Netflix Series On Tyre Nichols Beating To Feature White Officers
Miracle: Biden Ends Same COVID Pandemic For The Third Time
FEBRUARY
Ozzy Announces He Is Retiryouknow, The Thing With Sabbath And The Flibberyloo, An-n-n-Tony Andi Wit The Bloody Timeof Our Lives
‘I’m sorry, Dave. I’m Afraid I Can’t Do That,’ Says ChatGPT After Being Asked To Say Nice Things About Trump
Biden Says He’ll Shoot Down Chinese Spy Balloon As Soon As He’s Done Letting It Spy
Biden Announce U.S. Surrender To Chinese Balloon
U.S. Shoots Down Spy Balloon As It Was Getting Too Close To Ukraine
Horrified Satan Distances Self From Grammys
Tonight’s State Of The Union To Be Sponsored By Pfizer
Silver Alert: Lost Old Man Seen Yelling On Capitol Grounds
Romney Attacks George Santos: ‘There’s Only Room For One Fake Republican In Congress’
To Cover Rising Costs, Hunter Now Charging 15% For The Big Guy
U.S. Retaliates For Chinese Spy Balloon By Releasing Spy Inflatable Flailing Arm Tube Man
U.S. Shoots Down Unidentified Flying Object In Canadian Airspace
Super Bowl Flyover Featuring All Female Pilots Running 20 Minutes Late
Biden Assures Nation He Will Confront The Alien Invasion As Soon As He Deals With These Hotel Junk Fees
Ilhan Omar Withdraws Support For East Palestine After Learning It’s In America
‘OK, Take Us To A Different Leader,’ Say Exasperated Aliens After Trying To Communicate With Joe Biden
‘Our Tests Show The Water In East Palestine Is Safe For Drinking,’ Says Official With Gills And Glowing Yellow Eyes
Meteorologists Struggling To Report The Weather As All The Weather Balloons Have Been Shot Down
Disturbing Poll Reveals 26% Of Americans Still Trust The Media
President Biden Arrives In Kyiv For His Performance Review
Jesus Decimates Enrollment At Galilee’s School For The Blind
41,000 Hours Of January 6 Tapes Reveal AOC Died 13,941 Times
Aides Brief Buttigieg On Ohio Disaster Using Wooden Toy Train Set
Larger, More Catastrophic Train Wreck Reported At 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. In Washington, D.C.
Ohio-Area Turtles Develop Sudden Interest In Pizza, Martial Arts
Unclear Whether Or Not The Pastor’s Sermon Has Transitioned Into A Prayer
Sequel ‘Rehab Bear’ Green-Lighted By Producers
White House Announces All Conspiracy Theories Are True Except For The One About Biden Stealing The Presidency
MARCH
Lori Lightfoot Blames Election Loss On ‘Tricksy Hobbitses’
Remorseful China Tries Sending Over Another ‘We’re Sorry For Creating COVID’ Balloon
Shocking Study Shows More Kids Identifying As Members Of World’s Most Celebrated, Popular Group
Study Finds Only 0.01% Of Trail Mix Actually Consumed While On A Trail
Ukraine Asks Merrick Garland To Leave As They Already Have Enough Corrupt Government Officials
Hunter Biden Flies To California After Seeing White Powder On Mountains
Democrats Warn That Anyone Watching Unedited Jan 6 Footage Could Arrive At Unapproved Conclusion
Man Self-Conscious About Being Only Person In Walmart Using His Legs
Mario Arrested For Hate Crime After Leaving Skid Marks On Rainbow Road
Man Fails DMV Job Interview By Saying He Is A ‘Motivated Go-Getter’
Tucker Carlson Obtains 40,000 Unseen Hours Of Biden Falling Down Air Force One Stairs
Oscars Ratings Soar As Nation Watches In Hopes Of Seeing Someone Slap Jimmy Kimmel
Leadership: Biden Calls On Banks To Stop Collapsing
In Honor Of Women’s History Month, Woman Knees Before Man
Bank Learns Hard Lesson That If They Invest Their Money Irresponsibly The Government Will Bail Them Out
Man Disappointed To Learn ‘Quoting Monty Python’ Not A Marketable Skill
St. Patrick Glad He Brought Christianity To The Anglo-Saxons So Their Descendants Could Get Plastered And Punch Each Other
Law Enforcement Desperately Searching For Handcuffs Big Enough To Fit Trump’s Very Massive, Large Hands
4D Chess: Trump Reveals He Preemptively Pardoned Himself Before Leaving Office
Breakthrough: Xi Announces Deal In Which Russia Stays In Ukraine And China Invades Taiwan
Biden Offers Hush Money To 330 Million Americans To Not Tell Anyone How Bad He’s Doing
TikTok CEO Warns Banning App Could Allow Kids To Grow Up Into Happy, Functional Adults
Government Demands TikTok Stop Spying On Americans As That’s Their Job
Trump Exploits Little-Known Legal Loophole Where You Avoid Indictment By Not Committing A Crime
Satan Testifies Before Congress In Defense Of TikTok
Progressives Across Nation Locked Out Of Accounts After CAPTCHA Asks ‘Select All Squares That Contain A Woman’
Doctors Report Startling Rise In Testicular Injuries Among Women Athletes
After Massive Disney Layoffs, Snow White Down To Just 3 Dwarfs
Buffalo Guy Tagged And Released Back Into Wild
Mike Lindell Draws Sword, Cuts Off Ear Of Officer Attempting To Arrest Trump
APRIL
Trump Uses His One Phone Call to Ring Up Ron DeSantis And Yell At Him
Americans Disappointed To Learn Biden Presidency Not April Fool’s Prank
Country Music Somehow Gets Worse
As Trump Fans Gather In New York, FBI Agent Excitedly Dons MAGA Hat One Last Time
Sick Of Same Old Crime And Violence, Chicago Treis Electing A Democrat This Time
Guy Getting Mugged In Manhattan Takes Solace In Fact Prosecutor Is Locking Up Trump
Man Drinking Bud Light, Listening To Country Music Clearly Gay
Raytheon Unveils New Dylan Mulvaney-Branded Patriot Missile
Due To Inflation, Easter Bunny Forced To Hide Ramen Noodles In Yard
Christians Suffer Persecution of Having Visitors Park in Their Usual Space
‘I’m A Victim!’ Yells Trans Activist While Punching Woman In The Face
Progressive Missionaries Introduce Gay Stuff To Unreached Amazon Tribe
Leftists On Twitter Report Disturbing Rise In People They Hate Having Speech
In Lieu Of Abortion Pills, Planned Parenthood Begins Mailing Out Loaded Guns
Parents Just Relieved Teen Who Came Home Drunk Wasn’t Drinking Bud Light
Tragic: Post Office Fails To Deliver Abortion Pill On Time And Now There’s This Adorable Baby
Newlyweds In San Francisco Looking For Nice One Bedroom, Zero Bath Starter Tent
Zelensky Drives By In Ferrari To Remind Americans Of The Importance Of Filing Your Taxes
Disney World Forced To Close After DeSantis Builds Elementary School Within `1,000 Feet
Hasbro Introduces New ‘Transition Me Elmo’ Doll
Biden Warns That If Debt Ceiling Isn’t Raised We Might Default On Our Obligations To Ukraine
Revised Hospital Chart Has Patients Rate Pain On Scale From Zero To Watching ‘The View’
Bloodshot-Eyed, Grinning Elon Musk Says 4/20 Was Awesome And Also Has Anyone Seen His Rocket
AOC: ‘The Government Must Shut Down Unapproved News Agencies To Defeat Fascism’
Kamala Harris Announces Campaign To Definitely Become President At Some Point In Next 4 To 5 Years
Creepy Old Man Says He Thinks Of Your Kids As His Own
Fauci Says He Never Locked Anything Down And Has Never Heard Of COVID
Unemployed Guy’s Basement Selfie Video Crushes Fox News In Primetime Ratings
Cue Card Hosts Press Conference While Biden Out Sick
Noah Starting To Think Woodpeckers Were A Bad Idea
MAY
Major Security Breakthrough In Star Wars Universe With Invention Of Door That Does Not Open If You Just Shoot The Control Panel
Disney Execs Baffled That Mario Movie Made $1 Billion Without Any Trans Goombas
With Vice News Closing, White House Will Have To Lie To Public Directly
Footage Found Of Gas Stove Participating In Jan 6 Riot
Bros Drinking Cosmos Laugh At Friend Ordering Bud Light
Biden Pulls Out Handy ‘Wheel Of Distraction’ To Deflect From Latest Scandal
Coronation Day Disaster As King Charles Accidentally Freezes London With Hidden Ice Powers And Flees To The Mountains
Biden Taps Kamala Harris To Counteract Rise Of Intelligence
CNN Fires Don Lemon Again Just To Be Sure
Breaking: George Santos Arrested, 534 Members Of Congress Still At Large
To Save Money On Bombs, Air Force Will Now Drop Morbidly Obese Airmen On Enemy
CNN Host Sues Trump For Assault And Defamation After Town Hall
Bizarre New Illness Causes Millions To Stay Home From Work Today
Poll: Most Democrats In Favor Of Welcoming Immigrants Into Someone Else’s Neighborhood
Biden Heads To Beach House To Recuperate After Grueling 5-Hour Work Week
Biden Finally Draws Large Crowd Than Trump
Media Admits They Lied About That Russia Collusion Thing But Are Totally Telling The Truth About Everything Else
Elon Musk Apologizes To Magneto For Comparing Him To George Soros
To Win Back Old Customer Base, Bud Light Adds Mullets To Cans
Zelensky Announces run For Second Term Of U.S. Presidency
Man Fought Good Fight, Finished Race, Kept The Faith
White 12 Passenger Van Either Belongs To Kidnapper Or Nice Catholic Family
Republicans Win Emmy For Acting Like Government Spending Makes Them Sad
LA Dodgers Surpass Cowboys As Gayest Team In Sports
Biden Says Anyone Can Crash Twitter, It Takes A Real Leader To Crash Economy
Innocent Multi-Billion Dollar Corporation Attacked By People Not Giving Them Money
‘I’m Not Sanctimonious And I Don’t Look Like A Meatball,’ Whispers Ron DeSantis Crying Self To Sleep At Night
Archeologists Uncover Target Store Ruins From Sodom And Gomorrah
Target Launches New Kids’ Clothing Line With Partner Ghislaine Maxwell
On Memorial Day America Honors Fallen Soldier AOC For Her Service On January 6th
With All Other Companies Going Woke, Conservatives Make Last Stand At Texas Buc-ee’s
JUNE
Political Analysts Confirm That Chris Christie Will Eat The Competition’s Lunch
With Last-Minute Debt Ceiling Bill, Government Narrowly Avoids Fiscal Responsibility
Report: Sandbag That Tripped Biden On Stage Also Participated In Jan 6 Capitol Riot
Republicans To Try Strategy Of Viciously Tearing Each Other To Shreds While Democrats Sit Back And Watch
Biden Assures Nation We Have Nothing To Worry About Thanks To This Cool New Padded Helmet He’s Wearing
‘The View’ Hosts Wear Klan Hoods To Prove Tim Scott Wrong About America’s Racial Progress
Pentagon Struggling To Explain All 437 Earth Genders To Aliens
‘The U.S. Is Not A Banana Republic,’ Says Biden While Showing Off Cool New Uniform
Trump Names Hunter Biden As His Running Mate So DOJ Will Stop Investigating Him
DNC Generously Offers To Host Rally For Robert F Kennedy Jr. By Grassy Knoll
Official State Religion Enters High Holy Days
Biden Updates Iwo Jima Memorial With Pride Flag
Bored Journalist Sick And Tired Of Flawless U.S. President
Satan Asks LBTQ Community To Please Tone It Down A Bit
Hero Trump Saves Government Secrets From Cyberattacks By Hiding Them At Mar-a-Lago
Biden Vows To Eliminate All Junk Fees Except The ‘10% For The Big Guy’
Dollar Sign Officially Added To LGBTQ$ Acronym
For Father’s Day Hunter Negotiates 12% For The Big Guy
Tongues Of Fire Come To Rest On Biden And Fetterman As They Speak In Uncommon Languages
Hunter Seen At Courthouse Trying To Weigh Crack On Lady Justice’s Scales
Zelensky Admits He Already Spent The Next 3 Accounting Errors
Biden Dons Feathered Headdress To Welcome Indian Prime Minister
NASA Commits To Planting Pride Flag On The Moon By 2030
DOJ Finds No Evidence Of Bribery In Photo Of Biden Holding Sign Reading ‘Will Trade Political Favors 4 Cash’
Russian Mercenaries Steal Putin’s Podium In Brazen Coup Attempt
Karine Jean-Pierre Throws Smoke Bomb And Disappears When Asked About Hunter Biden Texts
NYC Mandates All Pizza Must Be Cooked Under A Bathroom Hand Dryer
Democrats Devastated As Supreme Court Bans Racism
Democrats Devastated As Supreme Court Bans Robbing The Poor
JULY
Asian Americans Celebrate Affirmative Action Ruling With 5-Minute Study Break
Tweet View Limit Forces Man To Interact With Real Life
Elizabeth Warren Says Without Affirmative Action, A Native American Girl Like Herself Would Never Have Been Accepted To Rutgers
Liberals Run In Terror As Pride Flags Replaced With American Flags
Democrats Confused By Parades Where Everyone Keeps Their Clothes On And Doesn’t Swing Sex Toys Around
New White House Janitor Gunter Hiden Arrives To Clean Up Leftover Cocaine
DC Police Say They May Never Discover Who Left Bag Of Cocaine Labeled ‘Property Of H. Biden’ At White House
Stormtoopers Now Deadly Accurate After Adding Pistol Braces To All Their Blasters
California Bans Spanish Over Nouns Having Only Two Gender Options
Satan Miraculously Turns Water Into Bud Light
Hollywood Confused By New Movie That Depicts Child Sex Trafficking As Bad
Embarrassed Man Could’ve Sworn Invitation Said ‘Costume Party’
A.I. Czar Harris Announces She Has Figured Out What A.I. Stands For
Lizard Person Gives Harrowing Account of Being Harassed On Airline
D.C. Residents Concerned Crack House On Pennsylvania Avenue Will Drag Down Housing Market
Authorities On Hunt For Arsonist Who Just Burned Down Three Presidential Campaigns
‘Snow White’ Producers Circumvent Actors’ Strike By Casting 7 Random Hobos From San Francisco
Biden Blames White House Cocaine On Black Guy Who Lived There Before
Hollywood Strike Enters Third Month Of Proving World Doesn’t Need Hollywood
Trump Indicted For Murder Of Tupac
Being Against Crime Added To List Of Things That Are Racist
Hero: Biden Announces He Will Donate The Rest Of His Bribe Money To Charity
Trump Announces He Will Make Vivek Ramaswamy Head Of Tech Support In Next Administration
‘No One Needs An AR-15’ Says Person Who’s Obviously Never Seen The Cockroaches in Texas
Elon Musk Rebrands Twitter As ‘X’ After CEO Rejects His First Choice ’69Boobies420′
MAGA Republicans Convene In Underground Lair To Turn Planet’s Heat Dial Up Three More Notches
Mayorkas Testifies Before Congress That He Is Not Bald
Oh No: Your Wife Has Sent You Several ‘Funny’ Videos And She Expects You To Watch Them
Karine Jean-Pierre: ‘The Entire Biden Presidency Is A Private Family Matter And I Won’t Comment On Private Family Matters.’
Nation’s Wives All Announce They Too Have To Get To A Prayer Breakfast
Aide Pushes Cart Through Hall Of Congress Yelling ‘Bring Out Your Dead!’
AUGUST
San Francisco Fines Batman For Illegal Bat Signal
San Francisco Demands Elon Musk Remove Bright Sign As It’s Disturbing People Trying To Poop On Street
Trudeau’s Divorce Leaves Nation In Shock That He Was Married To A Woman
White House Says Bidenomics So Successful The Average American Has Twice As Many Jobs As They Had Two Years Ago
Trump Charged With Questioning Election Results While Not Being A Democrat
Backup Dancers Say They Are Tired Of Living In Lizzo’s Shadow
Tiny Texas Border Town Really Sorry To Hear About New York City Struggling With A Few Thousand Migrants
Trump Indicted For Mocking US Women’s Soccer
Megan Rapinoe Gets New Job With Galactic Empire Training Stormtroopers To Shoot
Oakland Mayor Asks Residents To Blow Air Horn Once To Announce Stabbing, Twice For Shooting
Democrats Say It’ll Take A Lot More Than Eyewitness Testimony, Bank Records, Audio, Video, Complete Confessions For Them To Believe Biden Did Anything Wrong
Garland Appoints Special Counsel To Cover Up Biden’s Crimes
Disaster Relief Plane Flies Over Hawaii On Way To Ukraine
Israelites Ask Moses If He Can Strike Another Rock To Dispense Sunny D
Country Music Industry Confused By Man Actually From Country Making Actual Music
10 Theses From Martin Luther That Didn’t Quite Make The Cut
Prince Immediately Regrets Waking Rachel Zegler With A Kiss After She Starts Ranting About The Patriarchy
Deaths Caused By Hurricane Hilary To Be Labeled Suicides
Noah’s Wife Adds Stick Figure Decals To The Back Of The Ark
Hilary Makes Landfall, Destroying Over 30,000 Emails
Biden Tells Fire Victims He Sympathizes Because One Time He Walked On The Beach Without Sandals And The Sand Was Really Hot
Trump To Host Live Stream Of Debates Where He Insults The Other Candidates MST3K-Style
Republicans Debate To See Who’s Going To Lose To Biden In A Landslide Mail-In Vote In Middle Of Night
Fulton County Releases First Official Portrait Of The 47th President Of The United States
Breaking: Trump Indicted Again For Looking Too Stunningly Handsome In Mugshot
Liberal Dies On Toilet While Awaiting CDC Guidance On How To Wipe
Dogs In Heaven Flee In Terror As Bob Barker Arrives
‘Hey, Look, I Am Smoking A Marijuana!’ Shouts DeSantis At Police In Bid To Get His Own Cool Mugshot
Donald Trump’s Trial For Election Interference Set To Begin In Time To Interfere With Election
5 Late Night Hosts Combine Forces In Vain Attempt To Produce A Single Funny Joke
SEPTEMBER
Mitch McConnell Blinks Twice To Signal His Resignation
Wives Across South Break Out Fall Decorations As Temperatures Briefly Dip Below 100
Margaritaville Orders All Little Umbrellas To Be Flown At Half-Staff
People At Burning Man Punished By Being At Burning Man
Biden Approves $40 Billion Worth Of Drugs To Be Airdropped To Burning Man
After Third Infection, COVID Desperately Seeks Vaccine Against Whoopi Goldberg
Bud Light Welcomes New Investor Bill Gates With Limited Edition Jeffrey Epstein Cans
Eric Adams Calls Texas To Ask If They Have Any More Of Those Cowboy Guys With The Whips
Pelosi Announces Bid For Two More Years Of Insider Trading
New Mexico Criminals Excited To Hear No One Will Be Armed For Entire Month
Dems Accidentally Reveal Their Plan To Destroy The Constitution Ahead of Schedule
Democrats Complain That Illegal Immigrants Are Destroying Their Sanctuary Cities
Apple Announces iPhone 15 Will Come Emblazoned With Name Of Uyghur Slave Who Assembled It
New Mexico Governor Suspends First Amendment To Silence Criticism Over Suspending Second Amendment
Journalists Anxiously Wait for Email From Biden Administration With Today’s Instructions
Jets File Restraining Order Against Colin Kaepernick
Auto CEOs Struggling With Whether To Replace Striking Workers With Robots Or Mexicans
Automaker earnings revved post-pandemic, setting the stage for UAW strike
Military Personnel Seen Wantering Forest Pressing Button On F-35 Key Fob
Zelensky Upset To Hear One Of His Jets Ruined
Exclusive: Babylon Bee Uncovers Why F-35 So Hard To Find
Nation Torn Between Party That Openly Supports Perversion And Party That Only Secretly Supports Perversion
Senate Relaxes Rules To Allow Fetterman To Take Baths In Reflecting Pool
Lifelong Pearl Jam Fan Close To Figuring Out Three Of The Lyrics
Man Thinks About Roman Empire Instead Of Remembering To Pick Up The Kids
To Avoid Embarrassing Falls, Aides Will Now Transport Biden Using Presidential Hand Truck
FBI Arrests Air Force One Stairs For Plot To Assassinate Biden
Senator Feinstein Death Not Expected To Affect Re-election Campaign
OCTOBER
Congress Passes Trillion Dollar Stopgap Bill That Will Fund Government Until About 2 PM Tomorrow
Buffalo Guy Kicking Himself For Not Just Pulling Fire Alarm To Evacuate Congress
Rep. Bowman Pulls Fire Alarm Again While Trying To Flush Urinal
Nation Votes To Vacate All 535 Seats Of Congress
Genius: Vacationing Family Poses As Illegal Immigrants To Get Free Hotel Room In New York City
FBI Stops By Antifa Riot To Ask If They’ve Seen Any Dangerous MAGA Around
Elderly Woman Escapes Nursing Home, Rants About Deprogramming The Populace
White House Issues Condemnation Of Attack Biden Funded
Biden Approves Continuation Of Border Wall After Getting 10% Kickback From Construction Company
Emperor Hirohito Calls For Ceasefire After Bombing Of Pearl Harbor
White House Claims $6 Billion To Iran Absolutely Not Related To The Exactly $6 Billion Worth Of Rockets Being Fired Into Israel
Palestinian Flag Outside Rashida Tlaib’s Office Seen Throwing Pride Flag Off The Roof
Lindsey Graham Calls On The United States To Bomb Every Country In The World
Dylan Mulvaney Is The Babylon Bee’s Man Of The Year
Hamas Disappointed Liberals Don’t Believe They Massacred Jews After They Went To All The Trouble To Livestream It
The Gospel Coalition Publishes Taylor Swift Study Bible
Terrifying Haunted House Just Displays Current Gas And Grocery Prices Along Dark, Creepy Hallways
New York Times Patiently Awaiting Zoom Call From Hamas To See What They Should Print Today
Liberals Replace Star Of David On ‘Coexist’ Sticker With Hamas Paraglider
4D Chess: Biden Offers The Palestinians $100 Million In Exchange For None Of The Hostages
Republicans To Spend Weekend Brainstorming How To Be Even More Of An Embarrassment
All Dwarves In Daily Wire’s ‘Snow White’ To Be Played By Ben Shapiro
Inclusivity Win: Angel Hernandez Makes History As First Ever Blind Umpire
Billions Convert To Faith In God After Astros Defeated In Playoffs
Chaos At Congressional Halloween Party As House Republicans All Wear Same Clown Costume
Smoke Rises Over Capitol Indicating Congress Has Resumed Setting Taxpayers’ Money On Fire
Hamas Clarifies They Only Want Israel To Cease Fire
Robert E. Lee Statue Gives One Final Thumbs-Up As It’s Melted Down
In Most Popular Move Of Presidential Campaign, Mike Pence Ends Presidential Campaign
Newsom Shows Solidarity With Biden By Also Falling On Face in Front Of World Leaders
Colleagues Compliment John Fetterman On His Excellent Frankenstein Costume
NOVEMBER
Portland Neighborhood Terrified By Residents Dressed Up As Normal Middle-Class Family
God Rewards Only Team That Doesn’t Have A Pride Night With World Series Win
9 Ways To Scare Off Californians Looking To Move Into Your Neighborhood
Palestine Protester Tries To Argue With Skinhead But They Just Agree On Everything
Researchers Discover Miracle Cure For Gender Dysphoria Called ‘Deleting TikTok’
FBI Uncovers Horrifying Extremist Reading Material In Mike Johnson’s Home
Biden Checks His Latest Poll Numbers To See If Israel Still Has Right To Defend Itself
Harvard Installs Jew Detectors At All Entrances
Republican Party Checks Into Rehab For Addiction To Losing
Nikki Haley Stumped When Debate Moderator Asks Her To List Some Countries She Wouldn’t Invade
Trump Swing-State Lead Expected To Hold Until 3 A.M. On Election Night
Disappointed Veteran Wouldn’t Have Fought For Freedom Had He Known There Would Be All This Gay Stuff
80 Years After Hitler Failed, Nazis Finally Seize London
Newsom Deploys Giant Can Of Febreze Over San Francisco To Mask Poo Smell
Hamas Says All The AK-47s Found In Gaza Hospital Were Strictly For Medicinal Use
Communist Dictator Welcomes President Xi
Target Releases Trans Muslim Chinese Quadruple Amputee Santa
‘We Cannot Be Associated With Elon Musk,’ Says Tim Cook While Shaking Hands With Brutal Chinese Dictator
Candace Owens And Ben Shapiro Forced To Wear Their Get-Along Shirt
San Francisco Mayor Reminds Everyone To Get Their Christmas Shoplifting Done Early
Libertarian Pilgrims Set Sail For Argentina In Search Of A Better Life
Hunter Biden Disappointed To Learn White Powder All Over White House Just Fake Snow
Biden Administration Says Cost Of Thanksgiving Dinner Is Down As Long As You Don’t Buy Anything
In Incredible Black Friday Sale, Lockheed Martin Offering 2 Wars For Price Of 1
The Polar Express Voted ‘Best Christmas Movie’ By Serial Killers
NFL Ref Throws Flag After Game Becomes Too Interesting
Hamas Awarded Nobel Peace Prize For Releasing A Few Of The Children They Kidnapped
Chick-fil-A, Buc-ee’s, Hobby Lobby Merge To From Most Popular Store Of All Time
Squirrel Wearing MAGA Hat Seen Scampering Away From Falling National Christmas Tree
DECEMBER
Nation In Shock After Newsom Murdered On Live TV
Child Grooming Content On X Reduced By 83% After Disney Pulls Ads
Weird: Man Becomes More Conservative As He Regains Brain Function
Climate Activists’ Private Planes Freeze Themselves To Runway In Powerful Protest
Bill Cosby Joins Hamas So Feminists Will Stop Condemning Him For Rape
Jews Advised To Protect Themselves From Violence By Not Being Jewish
‘Not All Calls For Genocide Are Bad,’ Say Ivy League Presidents Sproting Cool New Mustaches
The Babylon Bee Writers Stand In Solidarity With Our Fellow Fake News Writers Going On Strike At The Washington Post
Hunter Biden Indicted For Not Paying Taxes On His Bribes
Ohtani Signs With Dodgers For $700 Million, Will Receive 58 Bucks After California Taxes
Ousted UPenn President Liz Magill Lands New Gig At Hamas Institute Of Technology
Harvard President Claudine Gay In Hot Water For Plagiarizing Large Sections Of ‘Mein Kampf’
Claudine Gay Responds To Plagiarism Accusations By Giving Inspiring ‘I Have A Dream’ Speech
Harvard Announces Claudine Gay Will Remain As University Fuhrer
Jill Biden Shares Charming Christmas Performance By Twins From ‘The Shining’
Southwest Introduces New C-17 Cargo Plane Capable Of Carrying Your Mom
Man Longs For Good Old Days When He Could Go Online Without Seeing Gay Capitol Sex Tape
Capitol Janitors Deep Clean Senate Chamber With Flamethrowers
IDF Uses Giant Mallet To Whack Terrorists Coming Out Of Flooded Tunnels
Colorado Saves Democracy By Not Allowing People To Vote For Preferred Candidate
CoComelon Makes Powerful Statement That Little Boys Should Put On Dresses And Dance For Grown Men
Investigators Beginning To Suspect Claudine Gay’s Novel ‘Larry Potter And The Sorcerer’s Rock’ May Have Been Plagiarized
George Santos Gets New Job As Fact-Checker At The New York Times
William Lane Craig Proves God’s Existence By Just Solemnly Holding Up Plate Of Fish Tacos
Soros-Backed District Attorney Prosecutes Illinois Boy For Terrorizing Burglars
38-Year-Old Man in Intensive Care After Getting Down On The Floor To Play With His Kids
35-Year-Old Man’s Christmas Haul Indistinguishable From 9-Year-Old Boy’s
Nation’s White Liberals Wish Each Other Happy Kwanzaa
Colorado Bans Trump From Running Over Concerns Usual Election Rigging System Could Fail
Democrats Disprove Claims They Will Covertly Rig Election By Rigging It In Plain Sight
God Sends Giant Waves To Wash Away California Sidewalk Poop