2023: BABYLON BEE (357)

JANUARY

Pope Francis Announces Passing Of Final Catholic Pope

Teacher Frustrated As Half Her Students Detransitioned Over Christmas Break

60 Minutes Interviews Population Control Expert Thanos

Republican Approval Rating At Record High After Bringing Congress To Grinding Halt

McCarthy Warns Not Voting For Him Could Delay More Funds To Ukraine

After 15 Grueling House Speaker Votes, America’s Long National Nightmare Can Finally Begin

Nation Devastated As Congress Resumes Functioning

Biden Declares The Southern Border As Secure As America’s Elections

‘California Is The State Of Freedom,’ Says Man Who Locked Everyone In Their Homes For 2 Years

Mike Pence Repents After Eating Bag Of All-Female M&Ms Without Wife Present

DOJ Indicts Trump For Biden’s Possession Of Classified Documents

Meghan Proudly Announces That Harry Has His Own Free Will Decided To Transition Into Princess Harriet

Biden Calls For Two Weeks Of Not Cooking On Gas Stoves To Flatten The Curve

Local Man Crushing Bible-In-A-Year Plan After Switching To Jesus Storybook Bible

Biden Tries Wearing Tan Suit To Distract From Scandals

Congress Urged To Raise Theft Ceiling

Tom Brady Sure Glad He Gave Up Family For This

Al Gore Again Warns The Earth Will Not Make It Past The Year 2012

‘Greetings, Fellow Persons Of Color!’ Says Justin Trudeau Arriving In San Francisco

Gavin Newsom Caught At French Laundry Eating Eggs Cooked On Gas Stove

Yoko Ono Booked To Yodel At Next Year’s WEF Summit

Man With Taylor Swift Tickets And A Dozen Eggs Tops Forbes Wealthiest List

Unemployment Among Talking Candies Hits Record High Under Biden Administration

Pfizer Introduces New Mascot ‘Clotty’

Lucky Charms Unveils New Ukrainian Flag Marshmallow

In Hilarious Prank, God Makes 1 Out Of Every 20 Pistachios Taste Like Flaming Rotten Garbage

Ford Releases New Safety Feature Where Car Shuts Off If A Woman Gets In Driver’s Seat

New Netflix Series On Tyre Nichols Beating To Feature White Officers

Miracle: Biden Ends Same COVID Pandemic For The Third Time

FEBRUARY

Ozzy Announces He Is Retiryouknow, The Thing With Sabbath And The Flibberyloo, An-n-n-Tony Andi Wit The Bloody Timeof Our Lives

‘I’m sorry, Dave. I’m Afraid I Can’t Do That,’ Says ChatGPT After Being Asked To Say Nice Things About Trump

Biden Says He’ll Shoot Down Chinese Spy Balloon As Soon As He’s Done Letting It Spy

Biden Announce U.S. Surrender To Chinese Balloon

U.S. Shoots Down Spy Balloon As It Was Getting Too Close To Ukraine

Horrified Satan Distances Self From Grammys

Tonight’s State Of The Union To Be Sponsored By Pfizer

Silver Alert: Lost Old Man Seen Yelling On Capitol Grounds

Romney Attacks George Santos: ‘There’s Only Room For One Fake Republican In Congress’

To Cover Rising Costs, Hunter Now Charging 15% For The Big Guy

U.S. Retaliates For Chinese Spy Balloon By Releasing Spy Inflatable Flailing Arm Tube Man

U.S. Shoots Down Unidentified Flying Object In Canadian Airspace

Super Bowl Flyover Featuring All Female Pilots Running 20 Minutes Late

Biden Assures Nation He Will Confront The Alien Invasion As Soon As He Deals With These Hotel Junk Fees

Ilhan Omar Withdraws Support For East Palestine After Learning It’s In America

‘OK, Take Us To A Different Leader,’ Say Exasperated Aliens After Trying To Communicate With Joe Biden

‘Our Tests Show The Water In East Palestine Is Safe For Drinking,’ Says Official With Gills And Glowing Yellow Eyes

Meteorologists Struggling To Report The Weather As All The Weather Balloons Have Been Shot Down

Disturbing Poll Reveals 26% Of Americans Still Trust The Media

President Biden Arrives In Kyiv For His Performance Review

Jesus Decimates Enrollment At Galilee’s School For The Blind

41,000 Hours Of January 6 Tapes Reveal AOC Died 13,941 Times

Aides Brief Buttigieg On Ohio Disaster Using Wooden Toy Train Set

Larger, More Catastrophic Train Wreck Reported At 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. In Washington, D.C.

Ohio-Area Turtles Develop Sudden Interest In Pizza, Martial Arts

Unclear Whether Or Not The Pastor’s Sermon Has Transitioned Into A Prayer

Sequel ‘Rehab Bear’ Green-Lighted By Producers

White House Announces All Conspiracy Theories Are True Except For The One About Biden Stealing The Presidency

MARCH

Lori Lightfoot Blames Election Loss On ‘Tricksy Hobbitses’

Remorseful China Tries Sending Over Another ‘We’re Sorry For Creating COVID’ Balloon

Shocking Study Shows More Kids Identifying As Members Of World’s Most Celebrated, Popular Group

Study Finds Only 0.01% Of Trail Mix Actually Consumed While On A Trail

Ukraine Asks Merrick Garland To Leave As They Already Have Enough Corrupt Government Officials

Hunter Biden Flies To California After Seeing White Powder On Mountains

Democrats Warn That Anyone Watching Unedited Jan 6 Footage Could Arrive At Unapproved Conclusion

Man Self-Conscious About Being Only Person In Walmart Using His Legs

Mario Arrested For Hate Crime After Leaving Skid Marks On Rainbow Road

Man Fails DMV Job Interview By Saying He Is A ‘Motivated Go-Getter’

Tucker Carlson Obtains 40,000 Unseen Hours Of Biden Falling Down Air Force One Stairs

Oscars Ratings Soar As Nation Watches In Hopes Of Seeing Someone Slap Jimmy Kimmel

Leadership: Biden Calls On Banks To Stop Collapsing

In Honor Of Women’s History Month, Woman Knees Before Man

Bank Learns Hard Lesson That If They Invest Their Money Irresponsibly The Government Will Bail Them Out

Man Disappointed To Learn ‘Quoting Monty Python’ Not A Marketable Skill

St. Patrick Glad He Brought Christianity To The Anglo-Saxons So Their Descendants Could Get Plastered And Punch Each Other

Law Enforcement Desperately Searching For Handcuffs Big Enough To Fit Trump’s Very Massive, Large Hands

4D Chess: Trump Reveals He Preemptively Pardoned Himself Before Leaving Office

Breakthrough: Xi Announces Deal In Which Russia Stays In Ukraine And China Invades Taiwan

Biden Offers Hush Money To 330 Million Americans To Not Tell Anyone How Bad He’s Doing

TikTok CEO Warns Banning App Could Allow Kids To Grow Up Into Happy, Functional Adults

Government Demands TikTok Stop Spying On Americans As That’s Their Job

Trump Exploits Little-Known Legal Loophole Where You Avoid Indictment By Not Committing A Crime

Satan Testifies Before Congress In Defense Of TikTok

Progressives Across Nation Locked Out Of Accounts After CAPTCHA Asks ‘Select All Squares That Contain A Woman’

Doctors Report Startling Rise In Testicular Injuries Among Women Athletes

After Massive Disney Layoffs, Snow White Down To Just 3 Dwarfs

Buffalo Guy Tagged And Released Back Into Wild

Mike Lindell Draws Sword, Cuts Off Ear Of Officer Attempting To Arrest Trump

APRIL

Trump Uses His One Phone Call to Ring Up Ron DeSantis And Yell At Him

Americans Disappointed To Learn Biden Presidency Not April Fool’s Prank

Country Music Somehow Gets Worse

As Trump Fans Gather In New York, FBI Agent Excitedly Dons MAGA Hat One Last Time

Sick Of Same Old Crime And Violence, Chicago Treis Electing A Democrat This Time

Guy Getting Mugged In Manhattan Takes Solace In Fact Prosecutor Is Locking Up Trump

Man Drinking Bud Light, Listening To Country Music Clearly Gay

Raytheon Unveils New Dylan Mulvaney-Branded Patriot Missile

Due To Inflation, Easter Bunny Forced To Hide Ramen Noodles In Yard

Christians Suffer Persecution of Having Visitors Park in Their Usual Space

‘I’m A Victim!’ Yells Trans Activist While Punching Woman In The Face

Progressive Missionaries Introduce Gay Stuff To Unreached Amazon Tribe

Leftists On Twitter Report Disturbing Rise In People They Hate Having Speech

In Lieu Of Abortion Pills, Planned Parenthood Begins Mailing Out Loaded Guns

Parents Just Relieved Teen Who Came Home Drunk Wasn’t Drinking Bud Light

Tragic: Post Office Fails To Deliver Abortion Pill On Time And Now There’s This Adorable Baby

Newlyweds In San Francisco Looking For Nice One Bedroom, Zero Bath Starter Tent

Zelensky Drives By In Ferrari To Remind Americans Of The Importance Of Filing Your Taxes

Disney World Forced To Close After DeSantis Builds Elementary School Within `1,000 Feet

Hasbro Introduces New ‘Transition Me Elmo’ Doll

Biden Warns That If Debt Ceiling Isn’t Raised We Might Default On Our Obligations To Ukraine

Revised Hospital Chart Has Patients Rate Pain On Scale From Zero To Watching ‘The View’

Bloodshot-Eyed, Grinning Elon Musk Says 4/20 Was Awesome And Also Has Anyone Seen His Rocket

AOC: ‘The Government Must Shut Down Unapproved News Agencies To Defeat Fascism’

Kamala Harris Announces Campaign To Definitely Become President At Some Point In Next 4 To 5 Years

Creepy Old Man Says He Thinks Of Your Kids As His Own

Fauci Says He Never Locked Anything Down And Has Never Heard Of COVID

Unemployed Guy’s Basement Selfie Video Crushes Fox News In Primetime Ratings

Cue Card Hosts Press Conference While Biden Out Sick

Noah Starting To Think Woodpeckers Were A Bad Idea

MAY

Major Security Breakthrough In Star Wars Universe With Invention Of Door That Does Not Open If You Just Shoot The Control Panel

Disney Execs Baffled That Mario Movie Made $1 Billion Without Any Trans Goombas

With Vice News Closing, White House Will Have To Lie To Public Directly

Footage Found Of Gas Stove Participating In Jan 6 Riot

Bros Drinking Cosmos Laugh At Friend Ordering Bud Light

Biden Pulls Out Handy ‘Wheel Of Distraction’ To Deflect From Latest Scandal

Coronation Day Disaster As King Charles Accidentally Freezes London With Hidden Ice Powers And Flees To The Mountains

Biden Taps Kamala Harris To Counteract Rise Of Intelligence

CNN Fires Don Lemon Again Just To Be Sure

Breaking: George Santos Arrested, 534 Members Of Congress Still At Large

To Save Money On Bombs, Air Force Will Now Drop Morbidly Obese Airmen On Enemy

CNN Host Sues Trump For Assault And Defamation After Town Hall

Bizarre New Illness Causes Millions To Stay Home From Work Today

Poll: Most Democrats In Favor Of Welcoming Immigrants Into Someone Else’s Neighborhood

Biden Heads To Beach House To Recuperate After Grueling 5-Hour Work Week

Biden Finally Draws Large Crowd Than Trump

Media Admits They Lied About That Russia Collusion Thing But Are Totally Telling The Truth About Everything Else

Elon Musk Apologizes To Magneto For Comparing Him To George Soros

To Win Back Old Customer Base, Bud Light Adds Mullets To Cans

Zelensky Announces run For Second Term Of U.S. Presidency

Man Fought Good Fight, Finished Race, Kept The Faith

White 12 Passenger Van Either Belongs To Kidnapper Or Nice Catholic Family

Republicans Win Emmy For Acting Like Government Spending Makes Them Sad

LA Dodgers Surpass Cowboys As Gayest Team In Sports

Biden Says Anyone Can Crash Twitter, It Takes A Real Leader To Crash Economy

Innocent Multi-Billion Dollar Corporation Attacked By People Not Giving Them Money

‘I’m Not Sanctimonious And I Don’t Look Like A Meatball,’ Whispers Ron DeSantis Crying Self To Sleep At Night

Archeologists Uncover Target Store Ruins From Sodom And Gomorrah

Target Launches New Kids’ Clothing Line With Partner Ghislaine Maxwell

On Memorial Day America Honors Fallen Soldier AOC For Her Service On January 6th

With All Other Companies Going Woke, Conservatives Make Last Stand At Texas Buc-ee’s

JUNE

Political Analysts Confirm That Chris Christie Will Eat The Competition’s Lunch

With Last-Minute Debt Ceiling Bill, Government Narrowly Avoids Fiscal Responsibility

Report: Sandbag That Tripped Biden On Stage Also Participated In Jan 6 Capitol Riot

Republicans To Try Strategy Of Viciously Tearing Each Other To Shreds While Democrats Sit Back And Watch

Biden Assures Nation We Have Nothing To Worry About Thanks To This Cool New Padded Helmet He’s Wearing

‘The View’ Hosts Wear Klan Hoods To Prove Tim Scott Wrong About America’s Racial Progress

Pentagon Struggling To Explain All 437 Earth Genders To Aliens

‘The U.S. Is Not A Banana Republic,’ Says Biden While Showing Off Cool New Uniform

Trump Names Hunter Biden As His Running Mate So DOJ Will Stop Investigating Him

DNC Generously Offers To Host Rally For Robert F Kennedy Jr. By Grassy Knoll

Official State Religion Enters High Holy Days

Biden Updates Iwo Jima Memorial With Pride Flag

Bored Journalist Sick And Tired Of Flawless U.S. President

Satan Asks LBTQ Community To Please Tone It Down A Bit

Hero Trump Saves Government Secrets From Cyberattacks By Hiding Them At Mar-a-Lago

Biden Vows To Eliminate All Junk Fees Except The ‘10% For The Big Guy’

Dollar Sign Officially Added To LGBTQ$ Acronym

For Father’s Day Hunter Negotiates 12% For The Big Guy

Tongues Of Fire Come To Rest On Biden And Fetterman As They Speak In Uncommon Languages

Hunter Seen At Courthouse Trying To Weigh Crack On Lady Justice’s Scales

Zelensky Admits He Already Spent The Next 3 Accounting Errors

Biden Dons Feathered Headdress To Welcome Indian Prime Minister

NASA Commits To Planting Pride Flag On The Moon By 2030

DOJ Finds No Evidence Of Bribery In Photo Of Biden Holding Sign Reading ‘Will Trade Political Favors 4 Cash’

Russian Mercenaries Steal Putin’s Podium In Brazen Coup Attempt

Karine Jean-Pierre Throws Smoke Bomb And Disappears When Asked About Hunter Biden Texts

NYC Mandates All Pizza Must Be Cooked Under A Bathroom Hand Dryer

Democrats Devastated As Supreme Court Bans Racism

Democrats Devastated As Supreme Court Bans Robbing The Poor

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