JANUARY
Biden Releases Controversial New Memoir ‘If I Rigged It’
10 Tips For Proposing To Your Girlfriend
Biden Promises Nationwide Mask Mandate And Womandate
Kamala Harris Recalls How As A Little Girl She Helped Slaves Escape On The Undergwound Wailwoad
Absolute Legend: Trump Walks Away From Republican Party Without Even Looking Back At Explosion
‘Everyone Stop Getting Angry Over This Illegally Stolen Election That Will End This Country’,’ Says Trump Trying To Calm Things Down
Congress Upset As They’re The Only Criminals Allowed In The Capitol
After Being Kicked Off Social Media, Trump Forced To Go Door To Door And Shout ‘RIGGED ELECTION!’
Theologians Find Going To Church Via Zoom Will Only Get You Access To Heaven Via Zoom
Evil Fascist Dictator Censored and Voted Out Of Office
Trump Praised For Accepting Election Results 4 Years Quicker Than Hillary Clinton Did
Pence Rolls Out Ambitious Agenda For First 100 Minutes In Office
Out-Of-Work Waitress Excited To See Congress Spend Time Impeaching Trump Again
Smoke Signal For ‘RIGGED ELECTION!’ Seen Rising From White House Lawn
Ominous Sign For Joe: Presidential Restroom Replaced With Female Restroom
Trump Supporter Hilly Rae Clintock Suspected of Inciting Riot At Capitol
Most Popular President In History To Be Inaugurated In Secret Behind Giant Wall Guarded By Thousands Of Soldiers
Biden To Be Sworn In On Copy Of The Communist Manifesto
His Work In Middle-Earth Finished, Trump Arrives At Grey Havens To Sail Into The West
Joe Biden Win Nobel Prize For His Incredible First Day As President
Miracle: CNN COVID Death Counter Begins Counting Backwards
Texas Governor Orders New Arrivals From California To Quarantine For 30 Years
Devil Requests Stimulus Funds To Widen The Road To Hell To Meet Increased Demand
In Hard-Hitting Press Conference, Press Demands To Know Biden’s Favorite Disney Princess
‘You Can Reopen Now!’ Governor Newsom Shouts At Row Of Abandoned, Dilapidated Buildings
Congress To Retroactively Impeach All Previous Republican Presidents
Bankrupted Hedge Fund Managers To Receive $600 Stimulus
New Social Media Startup Hopes To Be Successful Enough To Get Totally Crushed By Big Tech One Day
Fauci Spins His Handy ‘Wheel Of Science’ To See What He Should Recommend Today
Language Experts Marvel At Whiny Child’s Ability To Turn ‘Mom’ Into Four-Syllable Word
FEBRUARY
Google Deletes 100,000 Negative Reviews Of Planned Parenthood From Unborn Babies
Homeschool Moms Unionize, Demand Minimum Three Hours Sleep
Helpful Psaki Gives Reporters A List Of Questions To Ask Her
AOC Recalls How She Barely Survived Terrorists Seizing Nakatomi Plaza
AOC Claims She Was Killed In The Capitol Riots And Is Now A Ghost
Biden Bans Trump From Intelligence Briefings, Fearing His Intellect May Become Too Powerful
Super Bowl Halftime Show To Feature Robin DiAngelo Reading ‘White Fragility’
First Female Referee Throws Flag On Play But Won’t Say What’s Wrong
Stacey Abrams Celebrates Her 55th Super Bowl Win
Help Is On The Way: Next Stimulus Bill Will Give Every American $2,000 Worth Of Masks
To Prove Cancel Culture Doesn’t Exist, Disney Fires Actress Who Condemned Cancel Culture
Touching: Jill Biden Decorates Migrant Cages With Valentine’s Day Message Hearts
‘I Would Have Spoken Up About The Holocaust,’ Says Man Who Is Silent On China’s Concentration Camps
Trump Now Most Acquitted President In History
Shocking Video From Just One Week Ago Shows Majority Of Americans Wearing Only One Mask
Biden Signs Executive Order Allowing People To Keep Their Guns As Long As The Barrel Is Tied In A Knot
Party Of Love And Progress Rejoices Over Death Of Political Opponent
Elon Musk Rescues Texans With Giant Flamethrower Mech
Tragedy: Texas Man So Focused On Staying Warm He Has Forgotten The Alamo
Bill Gates Warns of the Sacrifices We’ll Have To Make In Stirring Speech Given From His 650 Million Dollar Super Yacht
Revealed: Biden Shows Off His High-Tech Basement Lab Where He Invented The COVID Vaccine
To Fight White Supremacy, Coca-Cola Discontinues Vanilla Coke
Merrick Garland Says Whether 2+2=4 Is ‘A Very Difficult Societal Question’
Hitler Vindicated After Historian Discovers His Ideas Came From Darwin
Google Translate Adds Biden Option
Middle Easterners Begin Painting Transgender Flag Colors On Doorposts To Avoid Biden Drone Strikes
Oreo Reveals New Genderless OreX Cookies
Democrats Offer Compromise That Unborn Babies Are Three-Fifths Of A Person
MARCH
Cuomo Assures Public He Always Kept Mask On While Sexually Harassing Women
‘We Don’t Like Cuomo Now,’ Says Every Late-Night Host In Perfect Robotic Unison
Report Women In Hell Still Trying To Turn Up The Thermostat
Biden To Avoid Public Appearances Until They’re Done Canceling All The Sexual Harassers And Racists
Study Finds Book Burners Always Stop With Just A Few Fringe Books, So There’s Nothing To Worry About
Gone But Not Forgotten: Remembering Those Lost In This Past Year
Eric Swalwell Says He Feared For His Life During Capitol Riots, Almost Had To Use His Nunchuck Skills
Meghan Markle Inspires Millions Of Young Girls With Message That No Matter How Famous, Rich, And Powerful They Are, They Will Always Be Oppressed
After Long Day Of Burning Books, Progressive Unwinds By Calling People Nazis
CDC Recommends Double-Caging Children At Border For Extra Safety
American Patriots Dump Harry And Meghan Into Boston Harbor
Here Are The 7 Telltale Signs Your Newborn Baby Is A Racist
Cartels Give Biden Another ‘Human Trafficker Of The Month’ Award
Surviving WW2 Veteran Recounts Harrowing Story Of The Lack Of Trans Representation On D-Day
New M1 Abrams Tanks To Come Equipped With Changing Tables
College English Courses To Replace Study Of Shakespeare With Group Readings Of ‘Antiracist Baby’
Giant Cloud Of Dust Emerges From Vatican As Pope Francis Opens His Bible
Migrant Child Dreams Of Someday Crossing Border To Enjoy Dr. Seuss Books, Pepe Le Pew Cartoons, Aunt Jemima Pancakes
Progressive Christian Hopes Heaven Will Feature Segregated Spaces For Every Tribe, Tongue, Nation
Mexico Installs Stairs To Keep Biden Out
Biden Visits Souther Border To Play ‘Despacito’ For Migrant Kids In Cages
Christian Dutifully Prays For Her Enemies, But If God Wants To Smite Them, That’s Okay Too
Air Force One Now Equipped With Handicap Parking Pass
Puberty Blockers Now Available In Infant Formula
Biden Cedes Presidency To Kamala Harris Since Women Do Everything Better Than Men
‘Mr. Biden, Why Are You A Total Loser?’ Asks New White House Reporter Ronald Crump
In New Sesame Street Episode, Elmo Joins Antifa And Torches Local Businesses
Blockage Cleared, Ships Moving At Record Speed As Chick-Fil-A Workers Put in Charge Of Suez Canal
Business At The Capitol Grinds To A Halt After Biden Falls And Blocks Hallway
Hollywood Screenwriter Unsure How To Inject Woke Politics Into Movie About A Giant Monkey Punching A Giant Lizard
Parents Disguising Kids As Illegal Immigrants So They Can Receive In-Person Teaching
APRIL
Vendors Selling Bricks, Molotovs Outside Derek Chauvin Trial
Sad: Day Of Remembrance For St. April O’Fool Reduced to A Day Of Pranks
Biden Proposes $2 Trillion Infrastructure Project To Build A Tower That Reaches To The Heavens
Jesus Criticized For Leaving His Face Covering Behind In The Tomb
NASA Ends Mars Mission After Finding Out Planet Has No Early Voting
‘This Is Jim Crow Times A Million!’ Yells Biden After Finding Out The McDonald’s Ice Cream Machine Is Broken
Facebook Apologizes For Getting 533 Million Users’ Personal Data Stolen Before They Could Sell It
Ron DeSantis Dyes Hair, Gets Spray Tan In Preparations For 2024 Presidential Run
Constitution Comes Forward To Accuse Biden Of Assault
Nation Braces For Most Peaceful Protests Yet
Adorably Naive Optimist Thinks Lockdowns Will End Someday
Kid Abandons Her Toys To Watch Other Kids Play With The Same Toys On YouTube
Media Relieved To Be Covering The Good Kind Of Riots Again
Biden Forms Commission To Examine Whether Or Not We Should Dismantle Constitution
Amazon Creates Online Looting App To Allow The Timid To LootFrom Home
‘We’re Not Tearing Up The Constitution, We’re Untearing It,’ Says Dems While Ripping The Constitution Apart
7 Great Home Defense Options For When Guns Are Banned
Media Commits To Creating 25% More Racism In 2021
Airlines Offer Free Flights To Minneapolis For Travelers Who Use Code ‘ANTIFA’
Ron Paul Disguises Federal Reserve As Nike Store In Hopes Rioters Will Burn It Down
Pelosi Thanks Millions Of Babies For Sacrificing Their Lives For Women’s Rights
Dungeons And Dragons Introduces New 100-Sided Die For Determining Your Character’s Gender
‘That Girl Getting Stabbed Wasn’t In Danger,’ Says Man Who Flops Any Time Another Player Gets Within Six Feet Of Him
Study Finds Anyone Still Wearing A Mask At This Point Is Probably Just Super Ugly
Dems Demand Statehood For Epstein’s Private Island
L.A. Homeless Man Feeling Unsafe As Limos Full Of Drug Addicts And Perverts Show Up In His Neighborhood
Census Reveals A Concerning Amount Of Garys
Cuomo Regretting Killing All Those Elderly After Losing House Seat
CDC Now Recommends Wearing A Seat Belt Even When You’re Outside The Car
Hunter Biden Relieved After Learning His Dad Only Cracking Down On Menthol
MAY
Biden Admits His First 100 Days Were A Failure Since America Hasn’t Been Completely Destroyed Yet
Couple Spends 3 Hours Picking Movie One Of Them Will Fall Asleep To In 12 MInutes
Jeopardy Bans All Contestants From Having Hands
Biden Relocates 20,000 National Guard Troops To Inner Cities To Snipe Menthol Cigarettes Out Of People’s Mouths
23% Of Galaxy Believes They Are More Unified Since Palpatine Became Emperor
Internet Inventor Al Gore Bans Trump From Internet
Shocking Study Finds Paying People Not To Work Makes People Not Want To Work
Chinese Rocket Breaks Apart Revealing Inspirational Fortune Inside
SNL Cast Getting Stage Fright As They’re Not Used To Having People Tune In To Watch Them
Bounty On Groot Skyrockets Due To Spike In Lumber Prices
Biden Worried Gas Shortages May Hurt Carter’s Chances Against Reagan
Biden Continues Rollback Of Trump Policies Like Peace In The Middle East
Biden Revealed To Be Robotic Human Suit Controlled By Tiny Jimmy Carter
To Entice New Yorkers To Get Vaccinated, Cuomo Offering Coupon For Free Back Rub
On Racist ‘OK’ Sign, Deaf Community Remains Suspiciously Silent
Media Condemns Israel For Unprovoked Attack On Innocent Hamas Rockets
Luke Skywalker Condemned For Blowing Up Associated Press Office Located On Death Star
Nation Trying To Remember What Happened Around 100 Days Ago When All These Crises Started
Republicans Propose Cheaper ‘Medicare For Al’
Cutting Out The Middleman: Middle Eastern Countries Will Now Just Lob Giant Sacks of American Tax Dollars At Each Other
LEGO Unnveils New Genderless Bricks With No Male/Female Connectors
Texas Passes Law Allowing Students To Lasso Teachers Who Promote Critical Race Theory, Drive Them Out Of Town
Hamas Calls For An Israeli ‘Cease-To-Exist-Fire’
Pathetic Excuse For A Progressive Hasn’t Even Eaten A Cicada Yet
‘You Will Always Remember This As The Day You Almost Vaccinated Rand Paul!’ Shouts Senator While Escaping Capitol Police Via Schooner
The Babylon Bee Would Like To Apologize To Xi Jinping For Referring To Him As ‘President’ And Not ‘A Stuffed Honey-Loving Bear Who Lives In The Hundred Acre Wood’
AOC Added To Iwo Jima Memorial For Surviving Capitol Riot
Newsom Announces Sweepstakes Where 5 Lucky Winners Get To Move Out Of California
Brilliant: Trump Begins Running 2024 Campaign Ads On Gas Pumps
Biden Creates OnlyFans Account To Share Exclusive Ice Cream Eating Pics With Journalists
On Memorial Day, America Honors Fallen Soldier AOC For Her Service On January 6th
JUNE
God Puts Rainbow In Sky Promising Never To Punish The Earth With ‘Friends’ Reunion Again
First-Ever Pride Month Ruined by 40 Days Of Rain
Bars On Migrant Kids’ Cages To Be Painted Rainbow Colors For Pride Month
China Denies Reports Of Bird Flu, Says There Are No Birds In China
Gay Americans Starting To Wish Straight People Would Chill Out About Pride Month
Concerns Arise Over Jen Psaki’s Physical Health After Her Statement That Biden Is ‘Hard To Keep Up With’
Democrats Demand Republicans Pay Them Reparations For Freeing Their Slaves
Pride Month Canceled After It’s Revealed LBGTQ Community Culturally Appropriated Sign Of Noahic Covenant
Joe Manchin And Mitt Romney Forced To Sit At The ‘No Friends’ Table At Lunch
‘I Don’t Study Science, I AM The Science,’ Growls Grizzled, Bald Dr. Fauci To Reporters
New York Times Relocates Offices To Beijing So Reporters Won’t Have To See So Many ‘Disturbing’ American Flags
Disaster At G7 As Biden Tackles Boris Johnson Mistaking Him For Trump
World’s Economy Saved As Giant Crack In Earth Swallows Up All G7 Conference Attendees
Child Worker’s Spirits Really Lifted By All The Pride Merch He’s Making For Major Corporations
Tensions Rise As G7 Attendees Accidentally Refer To Justin Trudeau Using Masculine Pronouns
Study Finds Link Between Happiness, Not Knowing Who Chrissy Teigen Is
Biden Humiliates Putin By Besting Him In Ice Cream Eating Contest
Nations’ Teenage Boys Suddenly Much Less Interested In Finding Victoria’s Secret Catalog In The Mail
California Public Schools Ban Teaching of Critical Thinking
Wright Brothers’ Flying Machine Hailed As Breakthrough In Getting Small Children To Eat
CNN Airs Report About Fox News Airing Report About CNN Airing Report About Fox News
Supreme Court To Be Moved To 41,000-Seat Baseball Stadium To Fit All The Justices Biden About To Nominate
Walls Of IRS Building Come Tumbling Down After Ron Paul Marches Around 7 Times Blowing Trumpets
‘You’ll Never Beat The Government With Just Guns,’ Says Party That Also Believes Government Was Almost Toppled By Unarmed Mob On January 6
Emperor Palpatine Urges Citizens To Give Up Their Blasters Since They’d Need A Death Star To Beat The Empire
Elon Musk Unveils New Tesla F-15
Horrified Mumford And Sons Member Wakes Up Next To Decapitated Banjo
Compromise: In Lieu of Eucharist, Priest To Offer Biden Non-Blessed But Delicious Nilla Wafer
8 Disturbing Signs That A President Is Planning To Become An Oppressive Dictator
Concerns Raised About Election Integrity After Biden Wins 80 Million Votes For NYC Mayor
JULY
‘We At The NSA Are Not Spying On You,’ Insists Muffled Voice Coming From Tucker Carlson’s Toaster
New Evidence Indicates Critical Race Theory Escaped From A Lab In A College Humanities Department
Bill Gates Announces He Too Will Go To Space Once His Rocket Is Finished Installing Updates
Gender Inequality: Women Will Only Save 12 Cents On Their Cookouts This Year
Dad Prepares Custom First Aid Kit That Consists Entirely Of Cards That Say ‘Walk It Off’
Journalists Facing Slow News Day As Biden Has Not Eaten Ice Cream Yet
Biden, Psaki To Go Door To Door On Bikes Asking If You Have A Moment To Talk About Getting Vaccinated
Big Tech Sweating After Learning Trump Case Will Be Tried Before Newly Appointed Judge Mike Lindell
Aides Getting Nervous As Biden’s Life Alert Button And Nuclear Launch Button Look Remarkably Similar
Defense Contractor Tearfully Welcomes Home Beloved Drone From Afghanistan
Biden Announces Partnership With Skynet To Create Army Of Door-To-Door Vaccine Enforcement Robots
Rural Americans Burn Kamala Harris At The Stake For Witchcraft After She Shows Them A Photocopier
Biden’s State Department: ‘We Support The Cuban People As They Rise Up To Protest Georgia’s Voter ID Laws’
Brave Texas Toddlers Flee State On Jet When Told To Eat Their Vegetables
Gettysburg Monuments To Be Replaced With Memorial To The Millions Killed by Voter ID Laws
To Avoid 1st Amendment Concerns, Biden Administration Announces They Will Let Facebook Run The Gulags
Scientists Warn That Within 6 Months Humanity Will Run Out Of Things To Call Racist
Biden Asks Aides If There Are Any Other Young Female Pop Stars Who Can Come To The White House To, You Know, Promote Stuff Or Whatever
Satan Confirms Hell Only Serves Pepsi Products
As Rocket Returns, Amazon Workers Shuffle Back Into Place After Enjoying 10-Minute Break
Inspiring: US Women’s Soccer Team To Boycott Scoring Goals Until Racism Is Defeated
CNN Airs Hour-Long PSA On Warning Signs Of Dementia
Report: FBI Helped Thanos Get Six Infinity Stones In Attempt To Bust Him On Plot To Kill Half The Universe
Feminists Declare Victory After Obliterating Women’s Sports, Relabeling Mothers ‘Birthing Persons’, Getting Women Drafted
Trump Sneaks Back Into White House Hidden Within Trojan Ice Cream Cone
To Defeat Delta Variant, Experts Recommend Doing All The Things That Didn’t Work The First Time
Pelosi Put Unbiased Republican Hilliard Clintock On Jan 6 Committee
Biden Quits Presidency To Focus On Mental Health
Pfizer Admits The True Vaccine Is The Friends We Made Along The Way
Study Finds 97% Of Statements Following ‘Experts Say’ Are Completely Made Up
CDC Still Baffled People Are Paying Attention To Them
AUGUST
Scientists Warn Of New Supersized Double Mega Limited Edition Teenage Mutant Ninja Snyder Cut COVID Variant With Frickin’ Laser Cannons
Government Promises To Wrap Up War On COVID As Quickly And Efficiently As The War On Terror
Megan Rapinoe Has Nightmare Of Winning A Medal And Having To Hear The U.S. Anthem Play
Biden Scrambles To Renew Eviction Moratorium Before Kamala Harris Throws Him Out Of White House
Liberals Praise DeBlasio For Barring 65% Of Black NYC Residents From Society
Biden Calls On Cuomo To Resign: ‘Leave Some Women For The Rest Of Us’
Vaccination Rates Plummet As More Celebrities Say They Won’t Hang Out With The Unvaccinated
Report: Something Bad Must Be Happening With Democrats As CNN Homepage Is Filled With Trump Articles
Obama Birthday Party Guests Play Light-Hearted Game Of ‘Pin The Drone On The Middle Eastern Country’
Public School Starts Day With Pledge Of Allegiance To Dr. Fauci
Students Across America Excited To Finally Return To In-Person Indoctrination
Justin Trudeau Dresses Up As A Saudi Sheik So Biden Will Approve His Pipeline
Crowd Lays Down Path Of MyPillows As Trump Triumphantly Rides Donkey Into D.C.
Kamala Harris Petitions Britney Spears’s Judge For Conservatorship Of Joe Biden
CNN Praises Taliban For Wearing Masks During Attack
Biden Administration Deploys Elite Squad Of TikTok Influencers To Stop Taliban
Trump Sneaks Back On Twitter By Disguising Self As Taliban Spokesperson
Biden Takes More Vacation As A Reward For Doing Such A Good Job This Week
AOC Goes To Afghanistan To Warn Refugees Not To Come To Oppressive Racist America
Tired Of Being President, Biden Hangs ‘Trump Won’ Sign Out of White House Window
Biden: ‘The Taliban Can’t Have Won The War In Afghanistan As They Haven’t Got Any Nukes Or F-15s’
Mike Lindell Dons Camel Hair Coat, Eats Locusts To Prepare The Way For Return Of Trump
100 Million Vaccine-Hesitant Americans Will Get The Shot Now That A Government Agency Said It’s OK
Biden Says Not To Worry That The Taliban Has Some Of Our Military Equipment, Because We Also Go Some Of Theirs, Such As A Stick With A Rock Tied To It
Biden’s Guest Hosting of ‘Jeopardy!’ A Disaster As He Flees Every Time A Contestant Puts An Answer In Form Of A Question
Joe Biden Praised Historic Rescue Efforts To Save Kid He Pushed Down A Well
Study Finds Connection Between Checking The News, Longing For Jesus To Return
Taliban Buys Hunter Biden Painting For Presidential Palace
White House Sends Beto To Help Taliban Confiscate Afghans’ Weapons
Scandal As Newsom Campaign Produces Old Yearbook Photo Showing Larry Elder In Blackface
Costco Introduces New 5-Gallon Family Size Pfizer Vaccine
SEPTEMBER
Democrats Warn Millions Of Lives Could Be Saved If Texas Abortion Ban Goes Into Effect
Brian Williams Tearfully Recounts Clinging To Outside Of Airplane To Escape Kabul
Racist Democrats Desperately Try To Prevent Black Man From Becoming Governor Of California
Beden’s Approval Rating Among CNN Employees Sinks To All-Time Low Of 98%
Democrats Start Reverse Underground Railroad To Help Unborn Babies Escape Texas And Be Killed
Scholars Confirm For Jesus’s Second Miracle He Turned White Claw Back Into Water
Psaki: ‘There Are No American Hostages, Just People Being Detained Against Their Will Until Their Captors’ Demands Are Met’
‘We’re On The Right Side Of History’, Says Party Whose Abortion Position Is Endorsed By North Korea, Harvey Weinstein, Church Of Satan
Angel Soft Releases New ‘Devil Hard’ Toilet Paper For Atheists
Jussie Smollett Disguises Self As Larry Elder So People Will Commit Real Hate Crimes Against Him
Supreme Court Moves To White House So They Can Strike Down Unconstitutional Mandates In Real-Time
Guy Who Started Two Wars Calls For Civility
Biden Unveils Innovative ‘Make Black People Lose Their Jobs’ Plan
Rednecks Dress Up As Taliban So Biden Will Give Them Billions Of Dollars In Firearms
Newsom Orders New Lockdown So French Laundry Will Be Available For Victory Dinner
General Milley Rides Through Streets Of Beijing Shouting ‘The Americans Are Coming!’
CDC Cautions Against Taking The Red Pill
Sirens Blaring At Democratic Headquarters As Black Woman Expresses Unapproved Opinion
FBI Rally In D.C. Ends Without Incident
Pfizer assures That Vaccine Is Almost As Safe For Kids As COVID
Trump’s Space Force Praised For Lack Of COVID In Space
Border Patrol Loses Horse Privileges, Must Now Bang Two Empty Halves Of Coconuts Together
Kamala Harris Demands To Speak With Whoever Was Put In Charge Of Border
Oh No! Girl Games Bond Is Foiled When Villain Places Details Of His Evil Plans In Pickle Jar
Border Patrol Ordered To Chase Immigrants With Segways And Pool Noodles
COVID Approval Rating Skyrockets After Briefly Interrupting ‘The View’
Biden Says We Can Afford $3.5T Bill Because China Just Gave Him This Cool New Visa Card With A Low Introductory Rate
Army Football’s Winning Record In Jeopardy As General Milley Keeps Giving Opponents Their Playbook
New York Atheists Claim Religious Exemption From Vaccine After Governor Claims That It’s From God
CDC Reminds People To Listen To All Medical Professionals Except For The Tens Of Thousands Who Refused The Vaccine
OCTOBER
Nation In Mourning As Government Shutdown Averted
Thief Assures Victim Robbery Will Cost $0 Since Victim Is Paying For It
Biden Cracking Down: No More Gift Baskets For Illegal Border Crossers
Crazed Nutjob Hellbent On Destroying Country With His Psychotic Moderate Policies
In Major Disaster For Humanity, Facebook Comes Back Online
Biden Follows Congresswomen Into Bathroom To Negotiate Infrastructure Bill
‘Working In Fast Food Would Be Humiliating,’ Says Man Living On Government Handouts In Parents’ Basement
Texas Introduces Express Lanes For Guys In Cowboy Hats Driving Lifted Pickup Trucks Alone
Joe Biden Invites Brandon To The White House To Congratulate Him For His Success
White House Whistleblower Claims Strangers Drag Him From Place To Place And Make Him Sign Papers And Read Words On Monitors And He Hardly Gets Any Ice Cream
Nation’s Brandons Hit All-Time High Approval Rating
Southwest Airlines Offering Free Flights To All Passengers Who Are Vaccinated And Can Fly A Plane
FBI Assures Nation They Will Get Back To Figuring Out Why That Guy Shot 400 People In Vegas After They’re Done Investigating Parent-Teacher Meetings
Santa Announces That Due To Supply Chain Issues, You Can Now Choose Between A Roasted Chestnut Or A Ball-In-A-Cup
Boy Who Pointed Out The Emperor Has No Clothes Banned For Misinformation
Instead of Kryptonite, New LGBTQ+ Superman Will Be Crippled By Anyone Using Wrong Pronouns
Worship Leader Ascends Into Glory After Learning Fifth Chord
Biden Promises He Will Stop Being A Bad President If Everyone Gets Vaccinated
Flamethrower Crew Arrives To Disinfect Bill Clinton’s Hospital Room
Making It Worse: Buttigieg Just Crashed A Train Into A Cargo Ship
In-N-Out Unveils Exciting New Menu Item, The ‘Let’s Go Brandon’
Terrifying New Chinese Missile Will Fly Over U.S. Playing Dave Chappelle Special
Oh No! Someone Replaced Joe Biden’s Copy Of The Constitution With A Copy Of ‘1984’
King James Only Pastor Leads Congregations In Chant Of ‘Knoweth Joe Biden!’
In New Paw Patrol Episode, Pups To Face Their Greatest Foe Yet: Dr. Fauci
NASCAR Race Ends Early As Gas Gets Too Expensive For Anyone To Reach The Finish Line
Woman Who’s Good At Driving Wondering If She Might Be Transgender
AG Garland Issues Memo Calling For Investigation Of Terrorist Senators Who Harassed And Intimidated HIm At Hearing
Facebook Introduces New Virtual Reality Pods To Plug You Into Metaverse
Hillary Clinton Dresses Up As President For Halloween
Youngkin Keeps Lincoln Project Away By Holding Rally Within 500 Feet Of A School
NOVEMBER
Church Leadership Board Approves Baptism Boosters
Poll Finds American Public Trusts Empty Podium Over Jen Psaki
Terry McAuliffe Baffled That Telling Parents The State Owns Their Children Wasn’t A Winning Strategy
McAuliffe Blames Loss On Low 3AM Ballot Turnout
Conservatives Stop Saying ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ After Realizing It Makes Liberals Sad
Verdict Is In: Jury Finds Kyle Rittenhouse ‘Based’ And ‘An Absolute Chad’
Playskool Unveils ‘Vaccinate Me Elmo’
Good News For Dems: Biden And Harris Now Polling At 66% Approval If You Combine Their Numbers
Stores Facing Surplus Of Hair Gel In Wake Of Newsom Disappearance
State Regrets Hiring Lionel Hutz To Prosecute Kyle Rittenhouse
‘The Booster Shot Had Absolutely No Side Effects,’ Says Gavin Newsom’s Second Head
Biden: ‘I Apologize For Calling All The Colored Folks Negroes’
God Confirms Trumpet Sound At The Second Coming Will Be Composed By Hans Zimmer
Denis Villeneuve Releases Directors Cut Of ‘Dune’ With 3 Additional Hours Of Really Cool Spaceships Taking Off And Landing Very Slowly
Late Night Host Knows His Joke Killed As Crowd Breaks Into Uproarious Applause
The Chosen One: 10 Little-Known Facts About Modern-Day Legend Kyle Rittenhouse
Kenosha Residents Paint Their Doorposts With ‘Black Lives Matter’ In Preparation For Verdict
Biden Unsure Why Winnie The Pooh Keeps Speaking Chinese
Oh No! 85,000 Trump Ballots Found Inside Biden’s Colon
Prosecutors Find Mail-In Jury Votes At 3AM, Rittenhouse Now Guilty
‘My Name Is Peng Shuai And I Am Totally Fine,’ Says Female Tennis Player Who Looks Suspiciously Like President Xi In A Skirt
Black, White Americans Join Hands Around Common Cause Of Launching Journalists Into The Sun
Biden Announces He’s Been Told He’s Running Again In 2024
CNN Reports On ‘Deadly Boat Accident’ At Pearl Harbor
Trump To The Rescue: Trump Travels Back In Time To Kill More Dinosaurs To Meet Our Fossil Fuel Needs
Dollar Tree Quietly Rebrands As ‘Hundred Dollar Tree’
San Francisco Stores Hold 100% Off Black Friday Sale
White Smoke Emanates From Wuhan Lab Chimney Signaling A New Variant Has Been Named
Jack Dorsey Resigns In Embarrassment After Realizing He Helped Elect Joe Biden
Fauci Dons Funny Hat, Declares Himself To Be Pope Of Science
DECEMBER
CNN Brings Back Chris Cuomo To Host New Show ‘To Shield A Predator’
CNN Welcomes Andrew Cuomo As Replacement For Chris Cuomo
Jussie Smollett Claims He Can’t Be Tried Because Last Night While Walking Home He Was Murdered
DeSantis Introduces Controversial Proposal To Grow Personal Army of Uruk-Hai
To Prevent Unnecessary Deaths, Nation Demands Common-Sense Alec Baldwin Control
Unemployment Rate Among Cuomo Brothers Rises To 100%
‘1984’ Prequel Released Where People Beg Big Brother To Take Away Their Rights To Protect Them From Virus
Rittenhouse Says ‘F— You’, LeBron Immediately Falls To Ground
Biden Nukes Florida, Says Courts Can Strike Down Later If It Turns Out That’s Illegal
Cruel: Jussie Smollett Will Be Forced To Share A Jail Cell With His Attacker
Biden Sends Two Guys Holding Horse Reins To Help Defend Ukraine Border
Hillary Clinton To Teach MasterClass On Losing Elections
Brave: Chris Wallace Comes Out Of Closet As Fake News Journalist
Rudolph Changes Name To Rolanda, Dominate Female Reindeer Games
California Imposes Statewide Mask Mandate On Your Mom Because She Ugly
CNN Quietly Resets ‘Days Since An Employee Committed A Sex Crime’ Counter Back To Zero
Hillary Clinton Reportedly Considering Losing Again in 2024
Salvation Army No Longer Accepting Bills Or Coins With White People On Them
White House Sends Out Christmas Cards With Heartfelt Message, ‘You Will Get Sick And Die This Winter’
Leftists Wondering Why Their Policy Of The Complete And Utter Destruction Of America Isn’t More Popular
In Stunning Blow To Democracy, Legislation Decided By Majority Of Elected Representatives
New White House Dog Professionally Trained To Not Growl When Biden Touches A Child
White House Decorated With Touching Christmas Message ‘YOU WILL DIE’
Women’s Quidditch League Dominated By Talented New Athlete, Viktoria Krum
Oh No! The Ghost Of Christmas Future Just Showed Up And He’s Wearing A Full Hazmat Suit!
Study: Most Kids Become Transgender Within 1 Hour Of Unsupervised Netflix Time
Biden Investigated For Threatening The President By Saying ‘Let’s Go Brandon’
Santa Claus Sleighjacked While Delivering Toys in Philly
Oh No! Biden Checks His To-Do List And Realizes He Totally Forgot To Shut Down The Virus
Ghislaine Maxwell Sentenced To 10 Unsupervised Minutes With Hillary Clinton
Trans Woman Breaks Jeopardy Record, Proving Once And For All That Men Are Smarter Than Women
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