MARCH
God To Ignore Quarantine And Continue Being Everywhere
Lysol Introduces Shoulder-Mounted Turret That Automatically Blast Anyone Who Coughs Within Six Feet Of You
Burger King Sends Email Informing Customers Staff Will Now Be Required To Wash Their Hands
Bernie Trying To Decide Which House To Quarantine Himself In
Spring Breakers Arrange Scattered Corpses To Spell Out YOLO
Dems Worried Stimulus Bill Would Stimulate Economy
Trump Unveils Much Simpler Stimulus Plan: GIANT MONEY CANNON!
PR Disaster: President Xi Forgets To Remove ‘Made In China’ Tags From Coronavirus
Study: COVID-19 Impacts Men, Women More Than All Other Genders Combined
China: ‘We’ve Completely Cured Coronavirus And Everything Is Fine Here And No One Is Allowed In To Check’
Quarantined Journalist Really Starting To Annoy Family By Calling Them Racists All Day
Toilet Paper Crisis Solved As Government Prints Trillions Of Fresh, Soft Dollar Bills
Biden’s New Podcast Available Exclusively On Vinyl
APRIL
Teachers Urge Government To Reopen Schools Before Students Learn To Think For Themselves
AOC Is A Strong, Intelligent Woman, Snopes Is An Excellent Fact-Checker, And Joel Osteen Is A Biblically Faithful Preacher
Man Glad To Know Job That Fed His Family, Paid His Rent Is ‘Non-Essential’
Everyone Jumps Off Bridge After New Government Order Telling Everyone To Jump Off Bridge
In Another Hilarious Gaffe, Biden Shouts ‘Help Me! I Don’t Want To Do This Anymore!’
Frightened Neighbors Call Police On Charismatic Family Worshiping At Home
Tragic: Bill Gates Had A Cure For Coronavirus But It Was Erased By A Windows Virus
Bernie Sanders Struggling To Stay Six Feet Away From American’s Wallets
Study: 92% Of Christians Get All Of Their Theology From Bumper Stickers
Biden Cuts Hole In Mask So He Can Still Sniff People’s Hair
SAT To Be Replaced With DNA Test To Determine How Oppressed You Are
Local Man Pursuing Long-Distance Relationship With Girl Across The Street
Modern-Day Hanukkah: Roll Of Toilet Paper Miraculously Lasts Eight Days
NYT’s In-Depth Investigation Of The Allegations Against Biden Reveals He’s A Democrat
Obama: ‘Biden Has Touched Us All’
Trump Announces He Has Hidden 5 Golden Tickets Among Stimulus Checks
Uh-Oh: Wuhan Lab Changes Sign to ‘0 Days Since Accidentally Releasing A Virus’
Congress Votes To Use One Ring Of Power To Solve Current Crisis
Dems Rush To Defend Kavanaugh After He Puts On Joe Biden Mask
Mysterious Masked Man Fights Off Masked Men To Save Masked Man
De Blasio Announces System For Reporting Social Distancing Violations: Knowledgeable Actors Reporting Edict Noncompliance (KAREN)
U.S. Reports Largest One-Day Increase In Cases Of Trump Derangement Syndrome
Alarming Report Suggests Americans Can’t Go Much Longer Without Jobs And Haircuts Before Becoming Hippies
Nation Totally In Favor Of Ocasio-Cortez Permanently Boycotting Her Job
Gang Of Masked Bandits Steals Another $500 Billion From Your Grandchildren
Trump Says To Drink Lots Of Water, Media Reports He Told Everyone To Drown Themselves
CDC Advises Politicians Keep At Least 6 Feet Apart When Pointing Fingers At Each Other
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out “We’re All In This Together” With Their Yachts
Judge Dismisses Sexual Assault Allegations Against Biden On Grounds That He Is Not A Republican
California Prisons Release Thousands Of Felons To Make Room For Skaters, Surfers, People Who Go Outside
MAY
Frantic Parents Locate Lost Ben Shapiro At Temple Owning Libs With Facts And Logic
Newly Mustachioed Bill De Blasio Unveils Special Red Armbands For Police Enforcing Lockdown
Governor Unveils Innovative 37-Step Plan To Reopen State Over The Next 10 Years
Flowers Continuing To Bloom Beautifully In Complete Defiance Of Government Lockdown
North Korea Releases Photo Of Kim Jong Un But It’s Clearly Jackie Chan Being Held Hostage In A Fat Suit
Tragedy: Pastor Just Preached Best Sermon Of His Life And Forgot To Hit Record
Doctor Arrested For Prescribing Fresh Air, Sunshine
Winning: Trump Signs Executive Order Preventing Release Of New Twilight Books
Weird: Guy Injected With Bill Gates’ New Vaccine Suddenly Thinks Internet Explorer Is The Greatest
Huge Setback For Female Dictators As Kim Jong Un Fails To Die
Kindhearted Children Let Mom Sleep In Until 7 On Mother’s Day
Ministry Of Magic Appoints Governor Whitmer Head Of Hogwarts
White House Security Concerns Raised As Eyes In Old Obama Portrait Clearly Seen Moving
Hillary Clinton Suggests The Americans Vote For President By Email
Democratic States Deploy Greta Thunberg Drones To Lecture People Who Go Outside
Remider: Adolf Hitler Also Wanted To Go Outside And Do Things
David Crowder Consumed By Own Beard During Quarantine
Democrats Promise To Chew Up Cash, Tenderly Regurgitate It Into Mouths Of Voters
U.S. Government Opens Hundreds Of Convenient Cash 4 Freedom Locations
‘TRUMP SMASH!’ Roars Giant Green President After Taking One Too Many Doses Of Hydroxychloroquine
Press Horrified As Trump Begins Taking Shirt Off To Prove He’s Not Obese
Stacey Abrams Says She Will Step Down As Governor If Asked To Run For VP
Biden: ‘If You Don’t Let Me Sniff Your Hair, You Ain’t A Woman’
Ancestry.com Revokes Genealogies Of African Americans Who Don’t Support Biden
Baptists Pledge To Use Only Non-Alcoholic Hand Sanitizer
To Save Time, The Babylon Bee Will Now Just Republish Everything Biden Says Verbatim
China Issues Stay-At-Home Order To Hong Kong To Prevent Spread Of Democracy
TIME Names Karen Person Of The Year
Twitter Hires French Immigrant Hilareaux L’Clintoneux To Fact-Check Trump’s Tweets
Rioters Decline To Sign Colin Kaepernick
CNN Draws Largest Crowd In Years
JUNE
Thousands Of Church Greeters Laid Off
Powerful: Protesters Spell Out ‘Love’ With Burning Homes And Businesses
Nike Releases Commemorative Shoe To Honor Looters
Nation’s Racists Repent After Reading Statement On Equality From Hidden Valley Ranch
In Show Of Solidarity, COVID-19 Vows Not To Infect Anyone Protesting Inequality
Celebrities Show Solidarity With Protesters By Burning Their Own Homes To The Grounds
Association Of Nihilists Releases Statement Supporting Black Lives Matter While Maintaining Nothing Really Matters In The End
Trump Claims He’s Developed Faith The Size Of A Peach Pit – Enough To Destroy The Entire Planet
J.K. Rowling Releases Controversial New Book “Harry Potter And The Basic Biology Class”
Hipster Tim Tebow Reminds Everyone He Was Kneeling Before It Was Cool
Dems Reach Out To Blacks With Solemn Performance Of The Cha-Cha Slide
Seattle Protesters Abolish Police, Replace With Squads Of Armed Individuals Tasked With Enforcing Set Of Agreed-Upon Rules
Bibles Pulled From Shelves For Outdated Idea That All Humans Are of One Race And Made In The Image Of God
Trump Enacts Tariffs, Travel Ban On CHAZ
Trump Establishes Manlier CHAD Camp Next To CHAZ Camp
Democrats Clarify That Black Lives Will Only Matter Until November
SCOTUS Hopes No One Realizes They Lost Their Only Copy Of The Constitution
Cracker Jack Changes Name To More Politically Correct Caucasian Jack
Report: The Squirrels Are Up To Something
‘I Told You So,’ Whispers Ghostly Image Of George Orwell Hovering Over Nation
Cancel Culture: Despite Humanity’s Problematic Past, Jesus Still Offering To Cancel Sins Of The World
Washington Post Calls On Patriots To Change Offensive Name
Navy SEAL’s To Be Replaced With Social Workers
Progessive Christian Can’t Wait To Get To Heaven So He Can Lecture God On Privilege
Cities Protecting Statues By Disguising Them As Karl Marx
Trump Defies Liberals By Chugging Entire Bottle Of Aunt Jemima Syrup
Dixie Chicks Change Name To ‘Three Persons Of Non-Specific Gender And Regional Background’
New, Less Problematic History Books Will Only Include What Happened In The Current Year
Protesters Near Sodom And Gomorrah Tear Down Lot’s Wife
Crest Introduces New More Socially Conscious Tooth Blackening Paste
JULY
Democrats Prepare To Celebrate Dependence Day
Trump Generously Offers To Give Biden 30-Minute Head Start On All Debate Responses
FBI Hires Top-Rated Italian Bodyguard Hiluigi Clintonelli To Protect Ghislaine Maxwell
Redskins Change Name To ‘Lizard People’ To Better Represent Population Of Washington, D.C.
Americans Excited To Celebrate Their Liberty While Confined To Their Homes By The Government
Kanye West Seizes Opportunity To Be Most Rational, Coherent Presidential Candidate
Disney+ Displays Warning That ‘Hamilton’ May Contain Positive Depictions Of Founding Fathers
Church Hangs ‘Black Lives Matter’ Banner To Prevent Spread Of Coronavirus
Kanye Selects Joel Osteen As Running Mate
Equality For The Elderly: Grandpa Simpson Will Now Be Voiced By Joe Biden
Elizabeth Warren Declares Herself Warlord Of Eastern Oklahoma Autonomous Zone
Bible Experts Determine Goliath Died Of COVID-19
Report: Chinese Spies Using TikTok To Steal All America’s Top-Secret Dance Moves
Gavin Newsom Put On Timeout For Playing With Economy’s On/Off Switch Again
Trump Demotes Doctor Fauci To Dentist
Business Owner Charged With Hate Crime For Painting Over BLM Graffiti On His Storefront
Trump Replaces Washington Monument With Giant Can Of Goya Beans
Complete Moron Doesn’t Realize Social Justice Activists Changed The Definition Of Every Word Last Week
Nick Cannon Quits ‘Masked Singer’: ‘I Need To See A Person’s Skin Before I Pass Judgement’
Kanye Promise Free Chick-Fil-A For Every American If Elected
Chick-Fil-A Changes Name To Gender-Neutral ‘They-Fil-A’
Progressive Parents Disappointed In How White Their Children Are
Exclusive Interview: Trump Opens Up To The Babylon Bee On The Challenges Of Being The Smartest, Most Popular President Ever
New Stimulus Will Just Be Postcards With Positive Affirmations
‘FREEEEDOOOOM!!!’ Cries Kilt-Wearing John MacArthur Defying Government Order To Close Church
Governor Cuomo Orders Restaurants To Put Pineapple On Their Pizza
Sports Fans To Continue 24-Year-Long Boycott Of WNBA
Governor Newsom Enraged After Hearing Churches Singing Down In Whoville
Trump Now Wearing 178 Masks To Show He Is Most Patriotic American Of All Time
Jesus Still Planning To Assemble Great Multitude Of Every Tribe, Tongue, And Nation Despite Ban On Large Gatherings
Man Returning To Church Proud That He Still Remembers All The Words To ‘Good Good Father’
AUGUST
Gracious Trump Suggest Delaying Election Until Dems Find A Candidate Who Can Form Coherent Sentences
‘Down With Fascism!’ Cries Protester Burning Bibles
Biden Campaign Says He Is So Close To A VP Pick He Can Smell Her
Biden Says He Can’t Wait To Find Out Who He Picked For VP
Social Distancing Laws Force Nation’s Crazed Axe Murderers To Switch To Long-Range Sniping
Trump Rescues Disastrous Interview By Pinning Reporter For A Three Count
‘I Don’t Need A Cognitive Test!’ Biden Screams At A Pigeon
10 Irrefutable Atheist Arguments That Will Explode Your Feeble Christian Brain
Woke Christian Asks Jesus To Return All The Shame He Took Away
Sorry Excuse For A Man Asks For Help At Home Depot
Biden Campaign Warns That For Debate Biden Will Need A Mask That Completely Conceals His Face And He Might Sound Different
Party Of The Poor And Oppressed Nominates Old, Rich, White Man And Cop
Report: Kamala Harris Already Vetting VP Picks
Christian Who Never Went To Church Before Pandemic Outraged Now That Government Says He Can’t
SAT Now Features 5 Answer Bubbles: A, B, C, D, And ‘My Truth’
Study Finds Most Americans Trust Dr Pepper Over Dr. Fauci
Concerns Raised As President Xi Seen Wearing Biden-Harris 2020 Shirt
Gavin Newsom Sneaks Into Grace Community Church At Night To Steal All The Hymnals
Democrat Mailer Promoting Mail-In Voting Gets Lost In Mail
Chris Hansen Makes Surprise Guest Appearance During Bill Clinton’s DNC Speech
Get A Load Of This Ignorant Moron Who Doesn’t Follow Politics And Is Also Really Happy With His Life
Biden Exceeds All Expectations By Speaking Coherently For Over 20 Minutes
Hollywood Elites Rush To Normalize Pedophilia Before They’re All Outed By Ghislaine Maxwell
Mailman Chased By Rabid Trump
Did Democrats Sacrifice Several Goats To Satan At The DNC? Fact Check: FALSE. They Actually Sacrificed Just One Goat.
Trump Tells RNC Attendees To Look Under Their Seats For A Free MyPillow And Can Of Goya Beans
NASCAR Ratings Skyrocket After Addition Of Mario Kart Power-Ups
CNN Hires This Is Fine Dog To Report On Riots
Biden: ‘If You Thought The Republican Convention Was Good, Just Wait ‘Til We Have Our Convention!’
Leftists Fight Fascism By Marching Through Streets Forcing Everyone To Perform Their Special Salute
What Your Pastor’s Hairstyle Says About His Theology
SEPTEMBER
Large Turnout At Memorial For Hans Gruber Who Was Thrown From A Building By A Police Officer
Democrats Propose Mail-In Debates
Cutting Out The Middleman: Dems Will Just Have Trump Debate Biden’s Teleprompter Directly
‘Scram! It’s A Setup!’ Screams Pelosi Running Out Of Salon To Getaway Car
Anonymous White House Source Claims Trump Punched A Baby
Wife Claims $450 Salon Treatment Was A Setup
Pelosi Confused By Strange Word ‘Laws’ These Peasants Keep Using
Confused At Sight Of People Eating Food, Communists Scream At Restaurants
Protests Erupts As Police Shoot Man Who Was Just One Gun Away From Being Unarmed
Awesome: Netflix Will Now Just Pump Septic Waste Straight Into Your Living Room
Responding To Backlash, Netflix Clarifies Its Content Is ‘Mostly Pedophilia-Free’
Oh No! The President Visited San Francisco And Now No One Can Find Him!
‘California Is The Progressive Utopia Of The Future!’ Says Gavin Newsome Who Is Currently On Fire
Church Tech Guy Holds Up Protest Sign Whenever Congregations Turns Around To Glare At Him For Mistake
Democrats Reveal They Have Planted Dynamite All Around Nation And Will Blow It Up If Biden Isn’t Elected
Trump Gets Totally Stoned In Lively 7-Hour Interview With Joe Rogan
Media Criticizes Trump For Ignoring Social Distancing Guidelines While Saving Baby From Oncoming Train
D’oh! Last Guy Left In California Gets Stuck Paying The $140 Billion Tax Bill
Biden Forgets To Put On Clothes
Nation’s Old Fogies Recall The Good Old Days When A Next-Gen Game System Meant A Noticeable Difference In Graphics
Genius Trump Nominates Joe Biden To Supreme Court Forcing Dems To Accuse Him Of Sexual Assault
Wife Completely Fine With The Patriarchy As Long As It Mows The Lawn Every Weekend
Homeschooling Parents Sit 25-Year-Old Down To Have ‘The Talk’
In Lieu Of New Justice, Trump Announces He Will Simply Grant Clarence Thomas Two Votes
Biden: ‘It’s Ridiculous To Say I Use A Teleprompter And Your PC Ran Into A Problem And Needs To Restart’
Joel Osteen Invites Hunter Biden To Give Sermon On Living Your Best Life Now
Chevrolet Releases California-Compliant Horse And Buggy
Democrats Prepare To Give Republicans Free Ad Footage Of Them Attacking Successful, Religious Mother Of 7
CNN Reports Amy Coney Barrett Attended Bizarre Ceremony Where She Ate Flesh, Drank Blood Of Jewish Guy
CNN Pre-Debate Poll Shows Biden Clearly Won Debate
OCTOBER
Chris Wallace Excuses Himself In Middle Of Debate To Jump Into Volcano
‘No Chris Wallace To Save You Now!’ Trump Ambushes Biden In Alleyway To Debate Him
Party That Wants To Run Your Healthcare Roots For Political Opponent To Die
Trump Preemptively Pens Dying Wish Canceling Out RBG’s Dying Wish
Liberals Desperately Pray For Trump’s Healing After Realizing Mike Pence Next In Line For Presidency
Monster Releases Exciting New Energy Drink Infused With Trump Antibodies
Media Criticizes Trump For Downplaying Virus Threat By Not Dying
Biden Even More Determined To Not Get COVID After Finding Out He Could Lose Sense Of Smell
Joe Biden Congratulates Michelle Obama On Debate Performance
Kamala Harris Bravely Defies Mansplaining ‘Do Not Eat’ Warning On Silica Gel Packet
Debate Commission Invites Respected Centrist Nancy Pelosi To Moderate Next Debate
Man Slowly Eats Bag Of Cheetos All Day So He Won’t Have To Wear A Mask
Democrats Hiss In Terror As ACB Pulls Out Crucifix
Horrifying New Haunted House Just Full Of Regular People Not Wearing Masks
L.A. Lakers Hold Victory Parade In Beijing
Big Tech Fights Election Interference By Interfering In Election
Church Bassist Replaced With Cardboard Cutout
Undefeated. Trump Now 2 – 0 Against Moderators
Trump Shares Babylon Bee Article, Thousands Accept Jesus Into Their Hearts
Biden Offers Anyone Who Votes For Him A Seat On The Supreme Court
Unhappy With Binary Choice Between God And Satan, People Demand Third-Party Candidate
Hollywood Actor Outed As Conservative After Being A Decent Human Being
Subaru Introduces Camera That Automatically Records Driver Melting Down About Trump And Uploads Video To TikTok
Democrats Propose Stopping Coyotes By Distracting Them With Decoy Roadrunners
Narrow-Minded, Single-Issue Israelite Won’t Shut Up About Opposing Baal Worship
Democrats Ask ACB To Recuse Herself From Any Cases Involving The Constitution
50 Cent Appeals To New Trump Supporter Fanbase With Country Album
With Moon Water Announcement, Trump Proposes Space Navy
Two Birds With One Stone: Man Protests Racial Injustice, Completes Christmas Shopping In One Trip
Girl Scouts Introduce ‘Peaceful Protest’ Badge For Girls Who Throw Their First Molotov Cocktail
Chelsea Handler Patrols Polling Places To Make Sure No Black People Are Voting For Trump
NOVEMBER
Democrats Hand Out Extra Ballots To Trick-Or-Treaters
Classic Prankster: ACB Frightens Republican Colleagues By Dressing Up As Nancy Pelosi For Halloween
SAT Now Just A Single Page Requiring You To Draw Devil Horns On A Picture Of Trump
CNN Promises Not To Call The Race Unless Biden Is Ahead
Miracle: Ballot Counter Turns 5 Biden Votes Into 5,000
Study Finds Babylon Bee More Accurate Than 100% Of Pollsters
Hillary Clinton: ‘Trump Must Stop Fueling Dangerous Conspiracy Theories About Our Elections Being Unfair’
Biden Sniffs Victory
BNN 100% Accurate Election Winner Special
Oops: Tragedy Strikes As Kamala Throws Biden A Surprise Victory Party
Pennsylvania Invites World-Renowned Elections Auditor Hillaniti Clintraja To Count the Votes
New Bible Features Removable Romans 13 For When You Don’t Like The President
Cuomo Develops Vaccine That Makes People Immune To Trump’s Vaccine
Progress: Biden Administration To Apply ‘Black Lives Matter’ Decals To All Attack Drones
Dockers Unveils New Line Of Sandals For Dads With Built-In Tube Socks
Media Confused By Completely Peaceful Protest
Trump Unveils Even Bigger White House Next To Current White House
Youth Group Kids Leaving The Faith At Alarming Rates In Spite Of Unlimited Pizza And Mountain Dew
Trump Leads Voyage Of Pilgrims To Greenland To Establish Even Better America
New AR-15 Glows Blue When Libs Are Near
Newsom Announces Curfew So He Won’t Have To Wait In Long Line At Fancy Restaurants
Philly Bans All Indoor Gatherings Unless You’re Still Counting Biden Votes
Church Recruits Flash The Sloth To Handle Worship Slides
Walmart Thanks Government For Completely Obliterating Their Small Business Competition
Just Hours After Being Placed In Cumo’s Possession, Emmy Statue Dies Of COVID
Mysterious Orange-Haired Vigilante Smuggles Thousands Of Beer Kegs Into Prohibition-Era Pennsylvania
IKEA Releases 100-Foot-Long Table For 2020 Gatherings
In Thanksgiving Address, Biden Quotes From Gospel Of Trunalimunuprzure
In Dangerous Decision, SCOTUS Rules First Amendment Can Stay
Damaging Photo Surfaces Of Mike Pence Peeking During Prayer
DECEMBER
In National Survey Of Favorite Foods, Lukewarm Bowl Of Porridge Wins 80 Million Votes
CNN Reports Iran Has Developed Peaceful Nuclear Power Plant In More Efficient Shape Of A Rocket
Smeagol Sets Pronouns To Ourses/Theirses
Selfless Democrats Go To Fancy Restaurants, Parties To Show Public What Not To Do
138,000 Kids Suddenly Added To Santa’s Nice List In Middle Of Night
‘I Just Love This Sushi!’ Says Girl Eating Rolled-Up Vegetables And Rice
California To Require All Rockets To Run On Wind Power By 2030
Help At Last: House Relief Bill Will Provide Free ‘Going Out Of Business’ Signs To Small Business Owners
Texas Governor Announces Cowboy Hat Mandate
Teachers Union Opposes Vaccine As It Might Force Teachers To Teach Again
Trump Files Lawsuit Against Everyone Who Voted For Biden
Dave Ramsey Dresses Up As Mall Santa, Tells Kids ‘You Can’t Afford That!’
Local Family Enraged They Can’t Attend Their Once-A-Year Church Service This Christmas
United Airlines Kicks 2-Year-Old Off Flight For Refusing To Say ‘Black Lives Matter’
Man Chokes In Restaurant, Dr. Jill Biden Springs Into Action To Deliver Educational Lecture
Seattle Announces Reverse Purge Where One Night A Year Laws Will Be Enforced
‘We Must Follow The Science!’ Screams Actor Who Believes Xenu Dumped Frozen Aliens Into Volcanoes And Exploded Them With Bombs 75,000,000 Years Ago
Trump Confirms There Will Be No Presidential Pardon For Rian Johnson
In Blow To Biden Transition, Trump Reveals He Has Obtained The Darksaber
Mandalorian Bounty Hunter Criticized As Anti-Science For Removing Mask
Congress Finally Reaches Stimulus Agreement: Every American Will Receive A Coupon For $5 Off At Applebee’s
Archaeologists Unearth Mary’s Frankincense And Myrrh Household Diffuser
To Celebrate COVID Relief, McDonald’s Introduces The $600 McStimulus Burger
Clever American Disguises Self As Transgender Middle Easterner In Hopes Of Receiving More COVID Aid
Twitter Fact-Checks God’s Claim That Adam And Eve Will Surely Die If They Eat The Forbidden Fruit
Trump Campaign Demands Stimulus Of 8 Million Votes
New Calvinist Video Game Just 40 Hours Of Non-Interactive Cutscenes
Man Has A Few Days Left To Be A Disgusting Slob Before Completely Turning His Life Around On January 1st
Gun Store Overwhelmed By People Returning $600 Guns For $2000 Guns
Miracle: Government Feeds Five People With Just 2.3 Trillion Loaves And Fishes
The Babylon Bee’s Predictions For 2021
News Source: Babylon Bee
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